


Both Sides Now

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Forgiveness, Het, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Kylo Ren Angst, Reylo - Freeform, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-14 10:51:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5740888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Rey's hatred for Kylo Ren blocks her from using the Force, Luke tasks her with the impossible: find Ben Solo, and bring him back to the Light Side of the Force. A reluctant Rey sets off to find her enemy, only to undergo some emotional complications on the way.</p><p>Takes places after TFA.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Liquid Gold

It always starts out as a dream, but as quickly as a faint drizzle turns into a downpour, it shifts into the blackest of nightmares.

She’s standing there, with Finn. She can see Han standing down below them, pleading with Kylo Ren, Ben, his son, to do the right thing. She can hear the emotion in Kylo’s voice as he expresses how conflicted he is. She almost feels for him. Almost.

A flash of red. Rey screams. She tries to lift the gun in her hands but it’s heavier than the pain swelling up in her chest as she watches Han Solo fall. She tries to follow him. She tries to catch him. His body spins deeper and deeper down the black pit and suddenly she’s standing in a snowy forest, Finn’s body seemingly lifeless on the ground and Kylo’s black eyes only inches from hers as their lightsabers kiss. “You need a teacher,” he pleads, the same, hollow emotion she’d seen before. His eyes are dark, and they suck her in like a black hole until she’s gasping, choking, clutching at her throat for air…

She wakes up.

It’s been like this for weeks.

Rey pants as she swings her legs over the bed. She reaches blindly in the dark for her canteen, but finds she’s out of water. She shivers, though her body is coated in sweat. She stands up and walks out of the stone room, out into the green hills where she first found Luke Skywalker nearly four months prior. She finds her way to the well nearby and fills her canteen up as she runs over the nightmare in her head. It was always the same. Han was silent as he fell, but Rey would always hear that panicked scream leave her lips as if it weren’t her own. She’d feel the tears, slick and wet, stream down her face as she stared at that monster with the red lightsaber, his dark hair, dark eyes, dark robes, trapping her in an overwhelming sense of doom that terrified her every time she closed her eyes.

She hated him.

She knew that for sure. Each time she thought about him, she’d feel this hot, burning sensation in her gut. She could almost feel the blood in her veins, like poison that pinched each of her nerves as it flowed through her body. She’d never hated anyone so much in her life. She’d watched Han fall a thousand times in her mind. She saw Finn’s body on the snowy forest floor. Rey had recently heard from Poe Dameron, who informed her that even after four months of sleep, Finn had not stirred since Kylo Ren’s lightsaber stuck him. Rey gritted her teeth, blinking away tears as she sipped from the canteen. She’d give anything to hear Finn, her friend, speak again. She missed him. She missed Han, the man she’d barely known and yet he’d been more of a father to her than anyone she’d ever met.

Kylo Ren had made sure she’d never get to see Han Solo again. For that, she would never forgive him. 

Rey turned to head back to her room, hoping for even a few hours of dreamless sleep, when she noticed a cloaked figure standing behind her. She jumped, but after a few moments, she recognized the dark shadow.

“I’m sorry. I’ve woken you again, haven’t I?” she asked, rubbing the back of her neck. Luke Skywalker smiled gently.

“It’s hard to sleep when I can feel your hatred radiating like the sun,” he said. He tilted his head. “Another nightmare?”

“Just the one,” said Rey, grimacing. “Always the same one.”

Luke bowed his head. He didn’t speak for a few minutes, but Rey knew better than to walk away. Luke was trying to instill patience in her, and while it didn’t work most of the time, she tried to respect her master and work on waiting. When he lifted his head, he wasn’t looking at her. He looked out onto the dark sea instead. 

“Han Solo was my friend. I knew him for many years. When I think of what Ben did to him, it brings me sadness that you can not even imagine.”

“Then how do you move past it?” asked Rey abruptly, almost rudely. “I can’t stop seeing it in my head. I can’t stop hearing it. Feeling it. Every day is like a new wound opening, bleeding out until I can fall asleep. It never ends.”

Luke turned his eyes to her. “You choose to feel that way. As a Jedi, you must separate your emotions from your purpose. Hatred and fear only drag you away from the Light, and towards the Dark Side.”

Rey scoffed, unable to help herself. “Okay, sure. Next time I’ll just choose not to have a nightmare. I’ll decide that being sad isn’t fun anymore and I’ll quit it. Like it’s that easy.”

“It’s not supposed to be easy,” murmured Luke. “But it is necessary.”

“Then help me,” Rey pleaded, feeling the tears swell up in her eyes once more. “Help me not feel this way anymore. Master Luke, I suffer. Every day. I’m consumed by hatred for the one that killed Han, the one that injured my friend Finn. The one that betrayed you.”

Luke sighed. “Ben is lost. But he is not gone. I am certain of this.”

“Why do you call him that?” asked Rey, scowling. “Even he believes Ben Solo is dead. There’s nothing but Kylo Ren in him, now.”

Luke shook his head. “The minute you stop seeing the Light in people, the second you lose sight of what it means to be a Jedi,” he said. 

“He’s a monster,” said Rey venomously. “He’s nothing but Dark.”

“Rey, there is Light and Dark in all of us,” said Luke patiently. He looked back out towards the sea. “It matters only which one you choose to act upon.” 

He strode past her, towards the edge of the cliff. She felt a gentle breeze rub against her cheek. She tried to feel the Force around her to, to distract her from the emotions ebbing and flowing within her like the ocean. But as the sea crashed against the rocks below them, she could not hold onto it for long.

When Luke spoke, his voice was very grave. “I fear you will never be able to access the extent of your abilities if you cling onto such negative feelings. There’s not much that I can teach you. You have to learn to let go.”

Rey resisted the urge to scoff again. She turned slowly, frowning. “I don’t think I can, Master Luke,” she admitted in a whisper. It was foolish, it was naive. She couldn’t believe she was letting someone like Kylo Ren control her this way, but she couldn’t help it. Her hatred of him was like a wild animal inside of her, ramming against the sides of its’ cage, eager to escape and sink its’ teeth into its’ prey. She also feared him. The way his dark eyes haunted her dreams and made her anxious to shut her eyes. It paralyzed her. She felt for the lightsaber she always kept on her absently, the one Kylo claimed was his. She could almost feel it vibrating in her hand, like it had a heartbeat of its’ own.

“Go back to sleep, Rey,” said Luke softly. “We will figure this out in the morning.”

Rey obeyed. She gave him one last sad look before resuming her walk back to her room. She gripped the lightsaber the whole way, comforted by the metal in her hand. She felt ashamed. She knew she’d disappointed her master. What was worse was how unsure she was that she’d be able to fall asleep. As she set her full canteen beside the bed and got back in, she tried to think happy thoughts. She thought of BB-8, beeping and whirring by her side in the hot deserts of Jakku. She thought of Finn, and how he’d come back to rescue her on the Starkiller. She thought of Han offering a job on the Falcon, and Chewie howling in the background. A soft smile lit her face as she drifted off, using what she had of the Force to will herself into a dreamless sleep.

-

Snoke, however unhappy to hear of the destruction of his weapon, was nevertheless undeterred from his plan. He knew Skywalker was out there, somewhere, and by now, the Resistance will have caught up with him. He’d waited for months to feel anything useful from the Dark Side of the Force. Having to deal with a smug Hux and a petulant Kylo Ren was wearing on him, and he sunk himself as far as he could into the Force to distract himself. It was difficult to connect with anything from the other side of the Force. He’d rejected the Light for so long that it was nothing but an alien concept to him. He inserted his own self-interest into his searches, until one night, months after the destruction of the Starkiller, he felt something worth sharing.

It took Kylo Ren mere minutes to show up after he’d been beckoned by the Force. He kept his mask on, which Snoke was thankful for. The last thing he needed was to be reminded of his apprentice’s defeat. The scar on his face had healed, but it left a permanent mark, a mark that would always show Snoke how weak his apprentice had been. Unable to defeat a girl with only raw abilities and nothing else? It was an embarrassment. 

“You called, Supreme Leader?” asked Kylo Ren, his voice deep through his mask. 

“I did indeed, Ren. You have felt a disturbance, I trust?” asked Snoke. 

Kylo Ren did not immediately answer. Then, “No, Supreme Leader. I have not. I have failed you.”

“Your powers have been weakened. You have not failed me, not yet, anyway,” spoke Snoke, scratching his chin. “Only I, with powers that outstrip even that of Lord Vader, would be able to feel such a subtle shift in the Force as I did tonight.”

Kylo Ren made no reply. He merely continued to watch Snoke through his mask. Snoke sensed a great deal of turbulence in his apprentice. Anger, hatred, misery…all of the things that fueled those on the Dark Side. Snoke could work with those. He leaned forward in his chair. “One of the remarkably inane parts of belonging to the Light Side of the Force is the ability to forgive. No matter how many hearts you bleed dry, the Jedi always manage to find a way to see the good in people. Even when there isn’t much left.”

“There is no good in me,” snarled Kylo Ren. “I can assure you of that.”

“Something I hope you can prove to me, Ren,” replied Snoke. “I have sensed this feeling of forgiveness from a strong part of the Force. I feel it directed towards you.”

Kylo Ren shook his head. “I don’t care for forgiveness. I’m unashamed of my actions. I’ve denounced who I previously was and I don’t care to change that.”

“Spoken like a true Sith of old,” mused Snoke. Kylo Ren said nothing, but shuffled in place slightly. “But you misunderstand me. I do not mean to poke at your identity. I plan to use this forgiveness in our favor.”

“How do you mean, Supreme Leader?” asked Kylo Ren, sounding confused for the first time since he’d arrived.

“It’ll take more delving into the Force to answer that,” said Snoke. “I have not lost faith in you yet, but do not test me, young Ren. Remain here on this ship until I can figure out what the Force is trying to explain to me.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” said Kylo Ren. 

-

As he walked away from his master, Kylo bit his cheek from within his mask. He passed the surviving stormtroopers in the hall of the rescue ship they inhabited since the Starkiller was destroyed. They made sure to give him a wide berth, but Kylo paid no attention to them. He was severely agitated by what Snoke had said. _I have not lost faith in you yet, but do not test me._ Kylo wasn’t some petulant child. He wouldn’t allow himself to feel like a bad kid that had been scolded by his father. He was proud of his actions. No one, not even Snoke, would belittle the things he’d done. 

He made his way back to his stateroom. He removed his mask and glanced in a mirror hanging beside his door. His skin was paler than ever, and his eyes were sunken from a lack of sleep. He glared at himself before taking off his cloak and tossing it on a nearby chair. He sank onto his bed and ran a hand through his long hair. He could still feel the Force flowing through him, but as soon as he tried to tap into it, he thought of _her_. That scavenger, that lowly girl that had defied his powers not once, but twice. She’d all but emasculated him. He often wished he could push his lightsaber into her and watch her eyes widen at the realization that he, Kylo Ren, was more powerful than she, the Jakku peasant, could ever hope to be. 

Kylo heard that traitor call her Rey after he’d pushed her into a tree with the Force. He saw her face in his mind daily, how stricken she looked at the death of his father. He relished in that. He wanted to hurt her. He felt the scar on his face with his fingers, tracing it. It no longer hurt, but it burned him like a brand. She’d marked him, and he hated it. Hated her.

As he felt the hate flow through him, he heard the sound of crunching metal from the opposite side of the room. His grip on the Force had returned briefly through his flash of hatred, and Kylo glanced over to see that he’d crushed the chair with his mind. He smirked to himself, until the familiar feelings of loneliness and misery set in. As much as he tried to push them away, they always made their way back into him, threatening to control him. He sighed, and tried to will himself to sleep. 

Who in the universe would ever want to forgive someone like him?

-

Rey woke up to the sound of Luke humming. He often did this when he meditated, as a way to focus. Rey sat across from him, yawning and waiting for him to come out of his state. Once she’d fallen back asleep, she’d been lucky enough to escape any more nightmares. She watched Luke’s chest rise and fall evenly. She tried to get into a solid mental state herself, but each time she tried to meditate, she felt blocked. It felt like something (or someone) was physically holding her back from finding peace.

Luke opened his eyes after an hour of Rey waiting. He poured her some water before speaking. “I’ve decided what your next task for training will be,” he said as she drank. Rey waited. She was eager to try anything that would help her remove the blockage from the Force.

Then, Luke spoke, and Rey almost immediately felt sick. “I want you to find Ben Solo, and bring him back to the Light Side.”

Rey slammed the cup of water down. It spilled from the cup and slopped down over her hand, but she ignored it. “No,” she muttered, in disbelief. “Master Luke, are you _mental_?”

Luke took a deep breath. “I believe that there is good in Ben. He just needs some guidance.”

“Then why don’t you do it?” Rey asked incredulously. “You’d have a much better chance than I would. I don’t see any good in him, remember?”

“This is important, Rey,” said Luke sternly. “My nephew has hurt many people. Including you, and myself. Showing him the Light and bringing him away from his Sith-like nature will help not only the galaxy, but all of us.”

“But I can’t,” exclaimed Rey. “How could I? He’d kill me if I even got near him.”

“You’ll have to find a way to persuade him otherwise,” instructed Luke. As if it were that easy.

Rey stood, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, Master Luke, but you’ll have to find another person to do this. I just can’t. It’s impossible.”

“So be it,” replied Luke, sipping water. “But until you learn to let go of your hatred for him, you will never be able to enjoy the full extent of the Force. I’m afraid you’d be powerless before anyone formidable enough to use the Dark Side against you. As a Jedi, fear weakens you. It is a fuel to the Dark Side, and they will taste it with more reverence than liquid gold.”

A thousand thoughts flooded through Rey’s head. How could she pull this off? Did she even want to? Even thinking about Kylo Ren had her blood boiling. How could she ever want to help him?

But Luke was right. She’d never be able to become unblocked if she continued to feel such hatred for him. If she couldn’t force herself to understand him, she’d have to listen to Luke and try to make him see the Light. She sighed. She’d been training with Luke for months, but she felt no stronger than she had when she started. She was riddled with conflict. She was sad, she was lonely, and she missed her friends. She was overwhelmed with negative emotion, and it was time she learned to deal with it. 

Rey swallowed, unsure of how capable she was for the task ahead of her. But did she have a choice?

“Alright,” she said begrudgingly. “But don’t blame me if it doesn’t work. It’s a fool’s errand.”

Luke only smiled. “We’ll see.”


	2. The Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey returns to Takodana to explain her mission to Leia, Finn, and Poe. Kylo Ren receives troubling orders from Snoke.

It took Rey less than an hour to pack up all of her things. She’d been staying on the island for four months, yet she only had a few garments and a canteen to her name. She tried giving Luke the lightsaber, but he merely shook his head when she handed it to him. “It’s yours now,” he explained, and she couldn’t help but feel a little grateful as she slid it back into her belt.

Chewbacca had landed the Millennium Falcon in the same place they had arrived four months previously. Once Rey decided to train with Luke, the wookiee returned to Takodana to be there for Leia in her time of mourning. He’d left R2D2, who sent the message that Rey needed a flight home. She hoisted her bag over her shoulder as she watched the ship land. Luke looked at it, a strange, faraway look of nostalgia in his old eyes.

“I guess this is it,” muttered Rey, frowning. 

“We’ll meet again, young padawan,” said Luke. “I have faith that you, and only you, can bring Ben back.”

“But why me?” asked Rey, questions lighting up in her head once more. “Why am I so special? Months ago I was a scavenger on Jakku. Now I’m a Jedi trying to persuade Kylo Ren to see the err of his ways? I don’t understand any of this, Master Luke.”

Luke nodded patiently. “In time, you will. Right now, you need to focus on the task at hand. Relinquishing your hatred for Ben will help you obtain access to the Force once more. And, if I may be so selfish,” said Luke, smiling ruefully, “I think Ben’s return would be most beneficial to my sister. And me.”

Rey looked at him. She often forgot that Luke was Kylo’s uncle. She sometimes forgot that Kylo was his star student, up until he destroyed the whole program and turned on his own family. She scowled, thinking of Kylo’s atrocities. If she could even find a way to dislike Kylo, rather than hate him, it’d be a miracle. 

“What if he won’t listen to reason?” asked Rey, a genuine fear she had. “What if he attacks me? I won’t hold back if he tries to kill me.”

Luke looked at her, but bowed his head. “I trust you’ll look inward, and you’ll know what to do in the moment.”

“Wouldn’t count on it,” mumbled Rey, but she nodded. Luke placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed, a soft goodbye. Rey gave a small smile before turning around and heading to the Falcon. As she walked down the stone steps, nerves felt jumbled in her stomach. Even thinking about Kylo Ren made her feel sick. She felt for the lightsaber and held it as she watched the blue sea in the distance. The water had brought indescribable happiness for her. The hot, dry desert of Jakku was all she’d ever known. The ocean was strange to her, but it was a comfort every night when she fell asleep, listening to it crash against the rocks. 

She hugged Chewbacca and patted R2 before stepping onto the ship. In only a few minutes, they were already whizzing upwards, on route back to Takodana. 

-

Kylo didn’t do much sleeping these days. His dreams were uncontrollable, harsh and frightening. Quite like the reality he’d found himself sucked into. He gave up on sleep after a few hours of trying, and decided to go about his day instead. He started the shower in his room, taking off his robes and leaving himself bare as he let the hot water pour over his body. He ran a hand through his long, wet hair. His thoughts flashed back to the fateful night, where he pierced his own father with his lightsaber. He could still feel Han’s fingers tracing his cheek before he fell to his death. Kylo ran a hand over his face. If he could rid himself of such memories, he would in a heartbeat. He turned, letting the water slide down his back as he washed. He closed his eyes and tried to feel the Force around him. It was difficult. Snoke always told him that hatred and anger helped connect him to the Dark Side of the Force. These days, it seemed like more of a block. He hit his fist against the side of the shower angrily, feeling it vibrate around him. He had to work through this somehow.

Kylo stepped out of the shower and donned a towel. He passed the mirror, but this time, he ignored it, unwilling to see his scarred face. He got dressed quickly, and slid the mask over his head. He felt protected, more himself inside the confines of the mask. As he strapped his lightsaber to his belt, he heard Snoke in his head, beckoning him with the Force.

_Come to me,_ came Snoke’s dusty voice in his mind. Kylo grimaced at the odd feeling in his head, as if Snoke had reached into his skull and grabbed hold of his brain, but it passed. He left the room and walked down the halls. Hardly a soul was awake at this time of night.

When he reached Snoke’s chamber, he was surprised to see the Supreme Leader looking so pleased. “You called for me, Supreme Leader?” asked Kylo, watching his master carefully.

Snoke gave what looked to be a smile, but it was awkward, like his face wasn’t used to such movements. “Kylo Ren. I have delved into the Force and I have discovered our next plan of action.”

Before he could continue, the door behind Kylo opened and in walked Hux. Kylo scowled at the General from being his mask, content that Hux couldn’t see his face. Hux gave him a sharp look before turning to Snoke. “Supreme Leader, I am at your service.”

“What is he doing here?” asked Kylo, a little more forcefully than he would’ve liked. Hux gave a smug smirk. “I thought this mission was for me, Supreme Leader.”

“Mind your attitude, Ren,” snapped Hux. “Believe it or not, the First Order is bigger than just you and your childish antics.”

“How does it feel, General? To know you have failed the First Order in the face of a motley bunch of morons from the Resistance?” chided Kylo. He almost grinned behind his mask at the sour look on Hux’s face. 

“Be quiet, both of you,” said Snoke, stern. “You are both necessary for this mission, for different reasons.”

“I’m ready for whatever you have planned, Supreme Leader,” said Hux in a smarmy voice. Kylo rolled his eyes. What the Supreme Leader saw in someone like Hux, he’d never know. Sure, the man was ruthless and callous and everything one would look for in a a General. But Kylo could hardly be in the same room as the red haired man without wanting to Force choke him.

Snoke leaned back in his chair, surveying them both. “I have sensed the same disturbance I did earlier this week, Ren. It’s the girl. She’s powerful, and her fate has been altered.”

Kylo’s attention was piqued. The girl, the infamous girl that everyone spoke about like she was some sort of princess, and not a desert rat. Snoke continued. “She is coming for you, Ren. She will attempt you bring you back to the Light Side, on orders from her master, Luke Skywalker.”

“Over my dead body,” muttered Kylo. Snoke peered down at him, and shook his head.

“You misunderstand me, young Ren. I want you to go with her. Let her bring you back to your mother. Show her that you have realized your faults, and you want to return to the Light.”

“What?” said Kylo, glaring. “I would - I would never, Supreme Leader. You know I am faithful to only you.” Could Snoke sense his confusion, or this sudden blockage in his abilities? Kylo looked sideways at Hux, still with the smug look of superiority on his face. Anger burned in his gut, and he had the urge to swing his lightsaber at something. He resisted, looking back towards Snoke. “I will not return to my mother, Supreme Leader. I will not turn on you.”

“You will return to General Organa, Ren,” ordered Snoke. “Don’t you see? This is your ultimate test.”

“I was under the impression that murdering my father would be enough to please you, Supreme Leader,” muttered Kylo, unable to hold back the resentment in his voice. Hux glanced at him. Kylo ignored him, his fists curling at his sides.

Snoke cocked his head, a small smirk on his face. “I am proud of your brutality, Kylo Ren,” said Snoke. “But this will advance our interest greatly. Persuade the girl that you will turn on us. Make your mother believe you regret what you did to Han Solo. Doing so will ensure that they reveal the location of Skywalker, and when they do, Hux, we will attack.”

Hux straightened. “Our forces are not at their optimal strength, Supreme Leader. We will need time to build our forces back up for such an attack.”

“And you will have time,” assured Snoke. “Ren, I want you to pack your things and journey to Hoth. Hux, you’ll get a message sent out across the galaxy - Kylo Ren has abandoned the First Order. We must make this believable, otherwise it’ll backfire.”

“No,” said Kylo, “Please, Supreme Leader. I’m sorry if I have failed you, but do not tarnish my reputation. Do not send me away. I will do whatever I have to here to ensure-"

“You will do whatever you have to anyway. You will go to Hoth and pretend that you are on the run. Hux, you will send out reports that Ren has been sighted there, so that the Resistance will be onto us. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” replied Hux. “I will get our communications team on it immediately.” He gave Kylo one last disparaging look before turning on his heel and leaving the chamber. Kylo looked back at Snoke, horror lighting up in his gut. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t pretend to go back to the Light, he couldn’t be nice to that rat. He couldn’t see his mother. Not after what he’d done.

“Please, Supreme Leader,” muttered Kylo. “I’ll do anything. Don’t make me do this.”

“You have no choice,” spoke Snoke. “Goodbye, Kylo Ren. Once you have the location of Luke Skywalker, all will be forgiven.”

Kylo could only stand there in shock. He couldn’t keep up with the emotions rattling through his body. He’d always been on the run from his past life. Always. He was constantly torn into two different directions: good and evil. Light and dark. Snoke knew this. He was testing him, testing his will to remain with the Dark Side. Had killing his father not been enough for the old devil? Kylo’s body tensed as he walked from Snoke’s chamber. What would he have to do next, kill his mother as well?

As Kylo made his way back to his room, he was met by Hux, giving orders to a group of stormtroopers down the hall. As much as he tried to avoid him, Hux spotted him. “Give my regards to General Organa,” he called, smirking. “I’m afraid I won’t see much of her before we blow Takodana apart.”

Hux was against the wall in less than a second.

He choked, grasping at his throat as Kylo lifted his hand, his fingers clenching. He let the Dark Side control him, he let it flow through his body and he Force chocked Hux. “Give me a reason,” he spoke lowly through his mask. “I beg you.”

Hux sputtered, clawing at his neck until Kylo let go. The General sank to the ground, coughing as he regained his composure. When he was done, he gave Kylo a death glare. “You may have Supreme Leader in your pocket, but you don’t fool me, Ren. You’re as weak as a leaf, letting the wind push it wherever it pleases. You’re temperamental. And you will fail.”

And as Kylo walked away, leaving an angry Hux behind him, he wondered if perhaps the General was right.

\- 

It didn’t take long for Rey and Chewbacca to steer the ship back to Takodana. Her heart was beating quickly the entire time, excited to see her friends again. When she saw the familiar planet, she smiled, glancing at Chewbacca. He let out a little yodel of happiness before steering the ship down to the ground. Rey exited, followed by the wookiee and R2. As she walked towards the base, she heard the familiar whizzing and beeping of an orange and white droid.

“BB-8!” Rey exclaimed, leaning down to greet the circular droid as it caught up to her. BB-8 beeped happily at her arrival and she rested her hands on his metal exterior.

“He’s missed you, you know,” came the voice of Poe Dameron, appearing from behind a pillar. He had that usual boyish, rogue look on his face. “As soon as you left, he was asking when you’d return. Made me a little jealous, in fact.”

“You know you’re his master,” replied Rey, grinning. She stood up and gave Poe a hug, which he returned. “I missed all of you.”

“And so have we,” said Poe as he pulled back. “You’ll be happy to know that a certain someone is back in the land of the living.”

Rey shot back, bewildered. Her eyes widened when she realized what Poe was saying. “Finn?” she murmured, shaking her head in amazement. “He’s awake?”

“Has been for a few weeks now. Sorry that I didn’t let you know, but we weren’t sure if he’d conk back out or not,” said Poe as he walked her into the base. “He’s been recovering nicely. Says he’s ready to kick some more First Order ass. You’d never guess he used to be one of them.”

“Finn is one of the best men I know,” defended Rey tightly. “He came back for me at Starkiller. I’ll never forget that.”

“Easy, sweetheart,” said Poe, holding up a hand. “I wasn’t attacking him. Finn is a great guy, and in case you forgot, he’s the only reason I’m still alive today and not a slave for some First Order scum.”

Rey paused. She didn’t know Poe that well, but then again, she’d only known Finn for a few days and she felt like he was the best friend she’d ever had. Rey nodded, following Poe into the base. “He’s kind of the whole reason this all came together, isn’t he?” she mused, smiling a bit. “I would’ve never found out my true nature if it weren’t for him.”

Poe led her through the base, and Rey recognized General Leia Organa hovering over a screen, looking pensive. When she spotted Rey, Leia broke out into a large smile. “Rey,” she greeted, extending her arms. Rey hugged Leia tightly. “How are you doing? And how is my twin brother?”

“Both well. He regrets not being able to see you yet, but he’s still figuring out how to train more Jedi,” explained Rey. Leia nodded, but she frowned.

“I’m afraid my son’s decision to abandon us affected Luke in a much different way than it affected me and Han,” she said. “Our hearts broke, but Luke felt the Force break within him. I imagine it must take awhile to get over something like that.”

“He has a plan to fix everything,” said Rey, taking a deep breath. Before she could explain Luke’s plan, a door slid open from the other side of the room. Rey glanced over, distracted, and saw none other than Finn. When he saw her, he called out her name and ran over. Rey wrapped her arms around him, embracing him as he rocked her back and forth. 

“Rey! You have no idea how happy I am to see you,” exclaimed Finn, pulling back to look at her. “When I woke up I was so afraid that Kylo Ren had taken you, but Poe told me you got away from him. How?”

“There was a fissure in the planet,” she explained. Finn looked well; his dark skin looked a tad paler than usual, but overall he seemed like himself. It brought Rey great joy to see her friend on his feet. She was terrified that he was dead when she fell on him in the snow, trying to find his heartbeat. She remembered how the misery struck her, to think that the man who’d come back to rescue her would die trying to protect her. She hugged Finn again, relieved to finally be seeing him. He hugged her back, and he muttered, “I missed you, Rey.”

“I missed you too,” she said. When she pulled away, Leia was watching them. Rey realized she’d been in the middle of a conversation, and remembered herself. “Right, the plan. It won’t be easy, but Luke believes I have what it takes to make it work.”

“And what is this plan that my brother has entrusted upon you?” asked Leia.

“He wants me to find your son, and bring him back to the Light,” said Rey.

The reaction to this by the room was instantaneous. Poe scoffed, Finn gasped, and Leia’s face fell into an expression that Rey couldn’t quite define. Even a few guards in the room looked over, jaws agape. 

Leia was the first one to speak, but her voice was distant. “How?”

“I don’t really know,” Rey admitted, frowning. “But my connection to the Force is blocked. I feel…so much hatred towards him,” she said awkwardly, not wanting to upset the General. “For what he did to Han. To Finn.” She glanced over at her friend, who looked quite indignant.

“No,” said Finn. “Rey, it’s impossible. You remember the guy, right? He doesn’t care about anyone but himself and his own gain. He won’t listen to you. He’ll kill you if you even get close to him.”

“It’s the only way,” said Rey heatedly. She turned back to Leia. “Luke told me that the only way to connect with the Force is to try to forgive Kylo Ren and bring him back to you. It’d help all of us. If we had him back on our side, we’d have an easier time defeating the First Order for good.”

“And I’d get my son back,” said Leia, but it seemed like more of a rehearsed line. Something she has told herself over and over again, but didn’t truly believe. 

Finn shook his head, incredulous. “Your son is gone, General Organa,” said Finn. “I fought him myself. I watched him kill his father, the man you loved. How could you even want him back at this point?”

Leia sent Finn a sharp look, but there was something soft in it. “When you are a parent, you’ll understand,” she said. She looked back at Rey. “I trust you’ll need a ship?”

“Yes,” she replied. Then, Rey shuffled her feet. “I was hoping I could use the Falcon?”

Leia smiled. “I don’t think Han would’ve preferred anyone else taking over his ship,” she said solemnly. 

Poe stepped forward. “I could be your co-pilot, Rey. I don’t want you going to space without proper protection.”

“Then I’m coming too,” cut in Finn. He looked concerned as he glanced over at Leia. “Would that be okay?”

“I’m not sure, Finn,” the General said. “You still have to rest. I do believe there is good still in my son, despite his actions, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think he’d take advantage of you while you’re down.”

“I feel fine,” promised Finn. Poe clapped a hand on Finn’s back.

“If he’s weighing us down, I’ll just eject him out on Jakku again,” he joked, grinning at the former stormtrooper. Finn wasn’t amused. He was looking at Rey, but she didn’t have time to reason with him. She could hardly accept the truth of the mission either, but she had no choice. She had to do what was expected of her. She had to at least try. 

Leia took Rey’s hands. She could see years of sadness on her weary face, and she gripped her wrinkled hands tightly. “I know he must seem like a monster to you,” said Leia, and Rey could see tears in her eyes. “But he was my son once. He was a young boy. A Jedi. I know Ben is still in him. And I know Luke wouldn’t ask you to do this if he didn’t think it was possible.”

Rey swallowed, the fear and nerves wrapped up inside of her again. But she nodded, smiling weakly. “I’m sure there is still Light in him,” she lied, ignoring Finn’s derisive laugh behind her. 

Leia straightened and let go of her. She looked over at a few guards lingering nearby. “Get the Falcon ready for transport,” she ordered. They saluted her and left the room. Leia turned back to them. “We’ll have to consult our intelligence to find out where Ben could be. We assume he’s with Snoke, but it’s no use sending you there. It’d be a suicide mission.”

“You’ll stay here until then and figure out a plan of action. Once we have Ben back,” said Leia, clearly unwilling to assume that Rey would fail; her anxiety felt prominent once more, “we’ll launch an attack on Snoke based on what he knows and end this nightmare once and for all.”

Leia turned to BB-8, who’d been hovering by her side for the entire conversation. “Please see what you can find of my son,” she murmured. The droid beeped and whizzed away. Poe followed him, saluting the General before he left. As Rey began to walk back to the Falcon to collect her things, Finn stopped her, holding her arm. She still wasn’t used to Finn’s inclination for physical touch, but she didn’t wrench her arm away like she did when they first met.

“Are you sure you’re up for this?” he asked, dark eyes concerned. “You can say no. Nobody will judge you. It’s an impossible mission.”

Rey considered it for a moment, but she shook her head. “If I’ve learned anything from Master Luke,” she said, “it’s that nothing is truly impossible through the Force. Even Darth Vader returned to the Light before his death. Did you know that?”

Finn shook his head. “Kylo isn’t Vader, Rey, no matter how much he wants to be.”

Rey sighed. “I know. I hate him, Finn. When I think about what he did to you…” she trailed, shuddering. “But I have to do this. He’s powerful, and we need him on our side. We have to do this for Leia. For Han.”

Finn, who’d respected Han Solo as much as Rey, finally nodded. He squeezed her arm once more before leaving her side, following Poe out of the door. Rey continued to walk to the Falcon. She questioned her ability to do this, but she tried to think of Kylo Ren as Ben. She wondered how Leia could possibly forgive Kylo for what he’d done to Han, but Rey expected it was something she wouldn’t be able to understand. She remembered Kylo’s surprisingly young face. The resemblance he bore to her hero. 

Maybe, somewhere, somewhere deep down, he could be saved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a writing binge so I'm hoping to pump out at least 1-2 more chapters today. Thanks for the hits/comments/kudos! Feedback is always appreciated :)


	3. On Hoth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren awaits on Hoth for the arrival of the scavenger. Rey leaves Takodana with Poe and Finn, and arrives on Hoth.

The planet of Hoth is as cold and frozen as Kylo remembered it. He’d journeyed here, once, with Luke Skywalker back in his Jedi days. Luke wanted to teach his padawans as much as he could about the war against the Empire, and his journey to becoming the Jedi master that he was. Kylo hated it then, and he hated it now. It reminded him of the snowy terrain of Starkiller - he hated the cold. He came here, alone, on the request of Snoke. Why Hoth? Kylo couldn’t fathom. He imagined Snoke wanted him on a planet independent from the Resistance or the First Order. Somewhere neutral, somewhere he could be easily found.

He spat on the ground angrily, watching his saliva melt the snow beneath him. Kylo could almost hear the cantina’s across the galaxy now, relaying the news. Kylo Ren has abandoned the First Order. Those of the Resistance would turn him into a joke. The First Order would see him as weak, and he almost growled aloud at the thought. He was not weak. No matter what that idiot Hux might’ve believed.

He cursed Snoke for making him do this. He cursed the First Order for their defeat and more than anything, he cursed himself, for getting into this mess. He should’ve killed the scavenger when he had the chance. The offer to be her teacher was absurd. He remembered the hatred in her eyes. The fear. She would’ve never joined him, not after what he’d done. He couldn’t blame her much. What did make him curious, however, was the dejection he felt. It’s not like he expected her to drop her saber and join him. 

Kylo paced around the cave that he’d made his home for the last few weeks. How long would it take for the girl to find him? How sure was Snoke that Skywalker had even planned such a thing? Kylo sank to the floor of the cave. He withdrew his lightsaber and beamed it for warmth. He watched the red flicker violently, unlike the girl’s lightsaber, his grandfather’s lightsaber, which was smooth, a cool blue. It burned him to know that she held the lightsaber of Anakin Skywalker, his grandfather. Darth Vader. 

What did she, a common fool, know about the intricacies of the Force? Kylo had been training since he was a child. He trained under Luke Skywalker himself. Until, of course, he rid the galaxy of the remaining Jedi and began to train under Snoke, the darkest of lords of the Force. Kylo had trained for years, and she, who’d just discovered the powers that he was certain the gods above had only gifted her to torment him, overpowered him. Bested him, with his grandfather’s own lightsaber. 

He retracted the lightsaber. He had too much of an urge to thrash it against something. 

Kylo shivered, clutching his black robes closer to him as he waited for the inevitable. He knew he’d sense her presence once she arrived on the planet. He could only wait.

\- 

It took several weeks for BB-8 and the Resistance to track down Kylo Ren. Rey enjoyed the downtime she spent on Takodana, exploring the many lakes and forests available to her on the planet. She spent most of her time with Finn; both of them had been robbed of normal childhoods, and they enjoyed hanging by the lake, going swimming, and trying to have a bit of fun before the mission started. Poe would join them occasionally, and Rey tried to pretend she didn’t see the little glances he made towards Finn while the former stormtrooper was without his shirt. 

One morning, while Rey slept on the Falcon, she woke to find General Organa standing beside her cot with Chewbacca. “I’m sorry to disturb you,” she spoke, as Rey rubbed her eyes and sat up. “We found Ben.”

Chewbacca let out an indignant howl. Leia rolled her eyes. “Alright, Chewie found him. Along with BB-8’s help, if I might add,” she said, giving him a look. Chewbacca shrugged.

Rey swung her legs over the side of the cot. “Great. Where is he?”

“He’s on Hoth,” she said. “It’s an ice planet. I’ve had proper clothing put in your supplies.”

Rey frowned. “Hoth? Why Hoth? I thought you said he’d be with Snoke.”

At this, Leia looked quite happy. “According to our intelligence, Ben has left the First Order. It’s been reported from all over the galaxy.”

This caught Rey’s attention. She straightened, confused. Kylo Ren was no more? Well, that certainly made her job easier. But there was a part of her that refused to believe this was true. She tried tapping into the Force, to sense what the truth was. Unfortunately, she still felt the familiar blockage. She shook herself. The look on Leia’s face was full of hope and promise. She didn’t want to question the General; she knew Leia had been searching for a reason to smile for months. Rey didn’t want to be the one to take that away from her.

Rey stood, straightening her tunic. “We’ll leave right away then. I’m not sure when we’ll be back…”

“Oh, don’t worry. The Falcon is supplied with enough food to last you at least a month,” the General replied. Rey nodded. Within the hour, they were ready to launch. Poe sat in the chair beside her, with Finn waiting at the table behind them with BB-8. 

“Now, it’d make sense that Ben would go to an independent planet like Hoth. He’s probably trying to escape persecution from the First Order, and the Resistance. It shouldn’t be too hard to find him - Hoth isn’t inhabited by many people. If he’s there, you should be able to sense him,” she said to Rey. Rey frowned, rubbing her arm nervously. She hoped the Force would work for her, but she had her doubts.

Poe seemed to sense her discomfort. “We have all the faith in the world in you, Rey,” he said, patting her arm. She nodded, glancing back at Finn, who gave her a comforting gaze. Leia bid them all goodbye, but leaned down when she got to Rey, to whisper in her ear.

“I know you have your problems with my son,” she said, “but I promise you, there is good in him. I hope you’ll find it in your heart to have patience with him. Bring him home to me, Rey. Please.”

Rey looked at the tears welling in Leia’s eyes. She put a hand on the General’s arm. “I’ll do my best, General,” she said. “I can promise you that.”

Leia placed a small kiss on top of Rey’s head, and patted her hair. Rey felt her stomach drop at the affection; it was not something she was at all used to. Without another word, Leia turned and left the ship. Poe made sure everything was in working order, and Rey glanced back at Finn.

“Ready?” she asked, getting the ship ready to launch. Finn gave a curt nod. He still wasn't on board with the whole Kylo Ren peace offering part of the mission, and to be honest, neither was she. Poe lifted the ship into the air, and within seconds they were off into space.

It didn't take too long to get to Hoth. They didn’t say much; the nerves in the air were apparent. The last time Rey and Finn had seen Kylo Ren, he’d attacked them. Nearly killed Finn. Rey could still feel his breath against her face, as their lightsabers touched and he told her his lies, of him teaching her the ways of the Dark Side. Rey stared out into space, palms feeling clammier than usual. She hoped Leia was right. She sincerely hoped Kylo had turned against his dark nature. She just wasn't that sure.

In a few hours, they were landing on Hoth. As the Falcon landed, Rey stood, donning the winter coat Leia had left for them in the ship. “Right. I’ll go outside and see if I can sense him, and if so, I’ll try to find him. You two stay here. Hopefully this doesn’t take too long.”

“Are you crazy?” asked Finn, eyes wide. “We’re not leaving you alone with that maniac.”

“Yeah, sorry sweetheart,” said Poe. “You’re taking at least one of us with you.”

“This is my task,” informed Rey. “I have to be the one to do this. And besides, Finn, you’re not up to your usual strength. He could easily overpower you. And Poe,” she turned to the pilot, “I’ll need a co-pilot on the way back. We can’t risk something happening to both of us.”

Poe relented. “Alright, then take Finn. If it turns into a fight, don’t be noble,” said Poe, shaking a finger at Finn. “Rey can handle herself. She can pop out her laser stick and knock that sucker down like she did last time.”

Finn rolled his eyes. “How many times do I have to tell you guys that I’m fine?” he asked. He equipped his gun as he stood up. Rey handed him the coat meant for him, a puffy, navy blue one. Hers was white, and she threw a dark green one at Poe. Leia had even packed a dark gray one, which Rey assumed was for Kylo Ren. She sighed. The last thing she wanted to do was disappoint the General. She took it with her, just in case the bastard needed it.

Rey stepped out onto the planet. She closed her eyes, trying to feel the Force. It was distant, but it was there. She could hear Finn stomping behind her, and she shot him a fierce look. “You mind walking a bit louder? I can’t even hear myself think.”

“Sorry, but I think these boots Leia gave me are too big,” he complained. He wasn’t wrong. The shoes were easily two sizes too big, and Finn tripped and fell into the snow without warning. Rey helped him up, and brushed him off. They could hear Poe laughing from within the Falcon. Finn flushed, brushing himself off roughly. 

“Just try to keep it down,” Rey said. “I need to sense him.”

“Right,” replied Finn. He leaned against the edge of the ship, waiting. Rey turned back around. The planet was unlike anything she’d ever seen. Starkiller had trees, a forest, something she’d seen on Takodana. Hoth was pure ice. She’d never seen anything like this before. It reminded her of Jakku, except instead of hot, dry sand, it was cold, wet snow. She closed her eyes once more, flexing her fingers, trying to feel something, anything, that would lead her to Kylo Ren.

After a few moments, she felt a tug in her left side. She opened her eyes, glancing towards an icy mountain range in the distance. As she looked upon it, her mind’s eye was suddenly full of vision. Dark eyes. Hair. Milky skin. A metal mask, removed, and his breath, her fear, his hold on her before she overpowered him, proving her ability. Red light, mixed with her blue. She breathed. Kylo Ren.

The vision suddenly stopped. She gasped at the sudden release and took deep breaths, doubling over. Finn was at her side immediately, pulling her up. “Rey…what is it? What happened? Is it him?”

She coughed, but nodded. “I can feel him,” she said. “Which means he can probably feel me, too.”

“Does this mean you can use the Force again?” he asked, staring at her. Rey looked into the distance. She wasn’t sure. It was the most vivid experience she’d had with the Force since she’d discovered it nearly five months previously. But why now? She let out a breath. Perhaps (as much as she wished it weren’t true) Ren had the answers. She straightened herself up, and waved to a concerned Poe looking at them through a window of the Falcon.

“Come on,” she said to Finn. “Let’s find him and get out of here.”

They began to walk in the direction she felt the Force pull her. The mountains seemed closer than they were, but after an hour of walking, Rey realized how far they actually were. She looked back at Finn, who was shivering even from within his coat. 

“Maybe we should call Poe…” she trailed. “You look like you could use the warmth.”

“I’m not leaving you,” said Finn, and that was that. They walked on, for another hour, before Rey could hardly feel her knuckles clenched white around the collar of her coat. She tried to use the Force again, but this time, it was harder to reach. There was a faint pull in the same direction, but it wasn’t as strong as before. She feared Kylo Ren may be moving away from her, sensing her presence. She swallowed. She wasn’t sure how much of the cold she could take. Heat was fine. She was used to heat. This was another enemy entirely.

When they finally made it to the mountain range, the Falcon was out of sight. Rey dreaded the walk back, especially if their journey had been for naught. “Let’s set up camp,” she said, watching the sky turn dark. “We can continue our search in the morning.”

They set up a tent, one for both of them, but Rey didn’t spend much time in it. She sat on the snow, trying to mediate, to feel Kylo Ren’s presence near her. She wanted to find him and get this over with. There was no point in dragging it out.

Suddenly, she was struck by another vision. It was more a hallucination than anything. She could see a trail of smoke coming up from the mountains. She glanced at the tent, wondering if she should wake Finn and ask him to accompany her. She knew he’d be mad if he woke up to her gone. But she felt the Force once more, and decided to follow it. She stood, and made her way up into the mountains. Her hands were freezing, so she tucked them under her arms, trying to protect them from the cold.

She followed the smoke until it became closer and closer. As she circled around a large piece of ice, she found a makeshift fire pit in the middle of the snow. She neared it, half in curiosity, in half in desperation for warmth. Before she could take a step, she heard a jarring, terrifying sound behind her. The sound of a lightsaber.

Rey jumped and pulled her own weapon out of her belt. She whipped around, turning it on, and letting the blue light up the darkness as she faced what was behind her. There it was. The fearsome red lightsaber. The mask. Kylo Ren.

“You don’t seem surprised to see me,” he all but purred, his voice deep and mechanical behind the mask. Rey held her lightsaber higher, glaring at him.

“Like you didn’t sense me the minute I landed on the planet,” she snapped back, gripping her weapon tightly. Her breaths came out ragged and shallow, feeling the fear pierce her gut. She could hardly believe that after months of picturing this moment, and weeks of fearing the inevitable, he was here. She wasn’t as nervous as she thought she’d be. In fact, she felt more angry than anything.

Kylo Ren held his lightsaber at his side, in a less offensive position. “You’re quite perceptive. I imagine my darling uncle has helped hone in your abilities since the last time we met.”

“You assume I’ve found Luke Skywalker,” replied Rey, not dropping her stance. “I don’t believe I said anything about that.”

“Don’t play dumb with me, girl,” said Kylo, amusement in his voice. “I know that godforsaken droid had the map. If you haven’t met with Luke Skywalker, I’ll impale myself on my own lightsaber.”

“Won’t you?” suggested Rey, scowling. She tried to force herself to remember the mission. To think of Leia. But Kylo Ren, in front of her, smug, arrogant, and without remorse, burned her body like the hot sun. “Why don’t you take that mask off? We both know what’s underneath. You don’t scare me.”

“On the contrary,” murmured Kylo, and within a second, his hand was raised. Rey was taken aback, and she could feel the Force pulling her towards him. She couldn’t stop her body from moving towards him, though she kicked as much as she could. When she was finally in front of Kylo, it was all she could muster to not spit on his stupid mask.

“Let me go,” Rey demanded, trying to wrestle from his grip. Her hold on the Force was too weak to get out of his grasp. Kylo ignored her, but instead lifted up a hand to take off his mask. It fell to the snow with a clunk. Rey stared into his young face, the one that haunted her nightmares for months. He didn't look as well as he had the last time she’d seen him. There were dark circles under his eyes, and his hair, which was silky and smooth before, was more wild and unkempt. She could see the scar she had put on his face had healed, but it left a mark that she admitted she was proud of.

Rey had enough. She forced herself to muster up as much strength as she could, and in an instant, she was back on the ground. She swiped her lightsaber across him, but he met it with his own. The lasers met with a loud crack, and they began to duel. It was all so familiar. The snow, the man. She was living her nightmare. 

Kylo Ren dragged his lightsaber towards her feet: she jumped, and tried to aim for his arm. It missed, but he managed to catch her hand. She let out a yelp and fell to the ground, her lightsaber falling at her side. Kylo towered over her, holding his lightsaber up high. “It’s not my intention to kill you,” he admitted. Rey huffed, her eyes sharp.

“Like I believe a word you say,” she shot at him. “You killed your own father, what would stop you from killing someone like me?” She couldn't stop the emotion from leaking into her voice. Kylo hesitated, his lips shaking from the cold, but he lowered his saber. A moment later, the laser retracted, and he slid the saber back into his belt. 

“You want vengeance,” Kylo muttered, smirking. “The one true path to the Dark Side.”

“I want a reason,” said Rey, still out of breath from the choke. “Why’d you do it?”

Kylo ignored her. He leaned down, his hand shooting out for her saber. She moved to grab for it, but he handed it to her before she could. She took it back warily, eyeing him like he were a dangerous animal ready to strike. “I assume you’ve heard the rumors,” he said, peering at her.

Rey sat up, too distracted to feel her fingers growing numb in the snow. “You’ll have to remind me,” she said, testing the waters.

Kylo stood, tucking his hands behind his back. “The great Kylo Ren, ready to turn his back on the Dark Side, like he did so easily to the Light. Betraying the First Order. Seeking independence. Renewal.”

Rey watched him as he walked away, his back now facing her. “I expect the whole galaxy will know how much of a traitor I am, now,” he muttered. “I’m no better than your friend FN-2187.”

“His name is Finn,” Rey snapped, getting on her feet. “He never wanted the life you forced on him. It wasn’t fair.”

“Life isn’t fair, girl,” said Kylo, whipping around. “You of all people should know that. Yes,” he said, walking around her, “I remember your loneliness. Your desperate hope for a family that never cared to return. You’re a patient one, I’ll give you that. Foolish, but patient.”

Rey ignored his petty attempts to bring her down. She kept her lightsaber in her hand, but she realized she couldn’t feel her fingers anymore. She turned towards the fire, but it was gone. An illusion, surely, to trick her into coming to him. She was playing right into his hands. “Listen,” she chattered out, her teeth clacking in her mouth out of the cold. “I’m h-here for a r-reason…I came to f-find you t-to-"

“What’s the matter with you?” asked Kylo, his eyebrows scrunched together. Rey tried to ignore how cold she was, but a gust of wind hit her and she felt like she was icicle. She’d never been so cold in her life. 

The next thing she knew, she was falling into the snow and the world was turning black. The last thing she saw was Kylo Ren’s face above her, pupils dilated and his white hands reaching out as she landed on the cold, hard ground.


	4. Into the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wakes up to find herself in a cave with Kylo Ren. Finn and Poe try to find Rey.

The girl fainted without warning. Kylo managed to reach out and grab her before her face hit the solid ice below her, but by the time he had her in his arms, she was out cold. He placed a hand to her head and felt her skin; it was as cold as the air around them. Her lips, still mostly a delicate pink, were beginning to turn blue at the edges. His fingers traced her cheek. She was still, but breathing. He could so easily end her, right now. He wouldn’t even need his saber. Or the Force. He could just leave her here, out in the cold, a victim to frostbite and hypothermia. Kylo considered it. Wouldn’t it make their efforts easier, if the Jakku girl was dead?

Kylo could feel her heart beat, slow but steady, pulsing from beneath the wrist he had clutched in his hand. He watched her face, the one that held so much animosity for him, in its’ calm state. Her eyelids barely moved. Her mouth was parted, and Kylo could see the tip of a pink tongue behind her teeth. He sighed. Twice now he had to carry this girl. When he picked her up off of the ground, he remembered what it had been like to carry her through the forests on Takodana. She was tall, but slender, and she fit perfectly into his arms as he walked her back to the cave he’d been staying in.

This wasn’t going at all how Kylo thought it would. He thought the girl would be the one that had to “rescue” him - yet, he was bringing her back into his cave and shielding her from the cold. If she didn’t have such valuable information to the First Order, he was sure he’d dump her right out in the snow and be on his way. Especially after how she’d scarred him.

When he reached the cave, Kylo placed her down on the stone floor, away from the cold. Using the Force, he formed a bubble of heat over her, in an effort to get her body temperature back to normal. He then sat on the opposite side of the cave and watched her chest rise and fall slowly. If she died, Supreme Leader would be most angered. Kylo kept her warm, holding his palms out to regulate her body heat. He noticed the coat she wore and scoffed. A true Jedi would be able to keep themselves warm if they were so desperate for it. He figured that Jakku was a stark difference to Hoth. The girl must’ve gone through quite a culture shock.

He couldn’t help but stare at her. She was much better company when she wasn’t yelling at him. Her dark hair had come out of their knots in their earlier tousle, and it laid on the floor beside her. She looked peaceful, much more than he’d ever seen her. He felt a strange desire to reach out and run a finger through her hair. Kylo resisted. He didn’t need her waking up and use it as another reason to attack him.

Once Kylo was sure that she’d stay warm, he leaned back, feeling the exhaustion clenching behind his eyes. He wasn't sure that he wanted to fall asleep in front of her and leave himself so exposed, but he remembered why she was even here in the first place. With that last thought, he was falling asleep.

-

The first thing Rey noticed upon waking up was the warmth. It was all over her, covering her, like a blanket tucking her into a deep, dark pocket. She could hear the wind howling in the distance, but it didn’t touch her. She tried to move, to find out where she was, but her body was so warm in her spot. She remembered the snow. The lightsabers. Kylo.

Rey’s eyes shot open.

She was in a cave. It was dark, almost as dark as the night outside. Rey sat up, expecting the unexplainable warmth to fade away, but it stuck to her like glue. She stared at Kylo, who was still unmasked, sleeping against the opposite side of the cave.

She was surprised that he’d fallen asleep in front of her, and she wondered how long she’d been out for. Rey gnawed her lower lip; surely Finn had noticed her disappearance by now. She wouldn’t be surprised if he got an entire Resistance fleet out looking for her by dawn. She glanced at Kylo, wondering if she should wake him up. Before she could decide, his eyes opened, as if he heard her thoughts.

“What did you do to me? Where are we?” she demanded immediately. Her hands rested on the cold stone floor of the cave, but her palms were just as warm as they would be on the sands of Jakku. 

Kylo didn’t look at her, but he responded thickly. “I rescued you from the inevitable death you’d face if you were in the cold any longer. Clearly Skywalker didn’t teach you the whole ‘survival’ part of using the Force.”

Rey stared down at her body. She was wearing the thick white coat, but it wasn’t nearly warm enough to keep her as hot as she was. She looked back up at him. “Are you making me hot?”

“I’m using the Force, something you obviously know little about,” he said crudely. “Surely five months should’ve been enough for Skywalker to teach you _something_.”

Rey’s jaw twitched. She tried to stand, but her legs were a lot weaker than she anticipated. She nearly fell over again, but caught herself with her staff. She stretched her legs out, trying to get the circulation flowing again. When she looked back at Kylo, Rey’s eyes were full of questions. “You saved me. Why bother?” she asked, genuinely curious. Kylo Ren hesitated, but his dark eyes were still on her when he answered.

“You said you were here for a reason. If I let you die, I’d go my whole life never knowing what that reason was,” he smirked. “I like to know things.”

Rey gripped her staff, holding it to steady her as she stood up. She wasn’t sure what to say. She’d been so nervous about encountering Ren again that she hadn’t thought about what she was going to say to persuade him to join the Light. Instead, she decided to peruse him. “Why did you leave the First Order?” she asked.

Kylo looked away from her. His arrogant face rippled out into something more troubled. He looked out into the dark snow, whirling around outside the mouth of the cave. “It’s hard to explain,” he said in a dark, low voice.

“If you don’t, I won’t believe that you actually have left them,” Rey said. She brushed her dark hair out of her eyes, noticing for the first time that her buns had come undone. She looked at him, her eyes searching. “Tell me why you left the First Order,” she said.

Kylo scowled at her then. “I can feel you using the Force, girl. Your Jedi mind tricks aren’t very honest, are they?”

Rey sat back, surprised at herself. She hadn’t meant to tap into the Force when she asked him. She didn’t even know she could use the Force right now, but there it was. The more she focused, the more she could feel it around them. “I’m sorry,” she said, meaning it. “I didn’t know.”

“There are a lot of things you don’t know,” Kylo snapped. “You have no idea how infuriating it is to be around someone like you. I can sense so much power in you, but you’re so ignorant. You have no idea what you possess. What you’re capable of.”

“I didn’t ask for this,” she hissed across the cave, hearing her voice echo. “I didn’t ask for any of this.”

They were silent then. Rey could hear nothing but the wind outside. She hoped Finn was okay. As she looked at Kylo, she saw the sadness etched onto his features. She didn’t want him yelling at her, but she had a job to do. She sighed and prodded again. “Why did you leave?”

Kylo was ready with an answer this time. “I no longer saw the Order as something I wanted to belong to,” he said. “High expectations, for very low reward.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I was asked to do a great deal, and I got nothing in return,” Kylo said bitterly. “I’m not a slave. I do what I think is best, and I no longer think that the First Order is in my best interest.”

“So what is in your best interest?” asked Rey, hesitant. She didn’t want to sell quite yet. She had a gut feeling that she needed to worm the truth out of him first, then pounce. She waited for him to respond, but he didn’t. He merely looked at her, like she had the answers, not him.

After a moment, he spoke. “At the moment, nothing. I’m willing to see where the wind takes me.”

Kylo glanced out at the mouth of the cave. “Speaking of wind. The storm seems to be reaching it’s apex. Shouldn’t be more than a few hours before we can leave.”

“A few hours?” exclaimed Rey. “No. I have to leave now. My friends, they’re probably looking for me.” She stood, ready to brave out the storm, but the bubble of heat that had been surrounding her suddenly ruptured, and she began to shiver. 

“Fine, then you can freeze,” muttered Kylo, shaking his head at her. Rey brought her arms up to her chest and held herself, sinking back to the floor. The warmth had hidden her from the truth: it was simply too cold to move. The heat Kylo had been giving her was gone, and she could feel the frost biting at her cheeks again. 

“A-alright I’ll s-stay, but make me warm a-again,” she sniped, shaking. Kylo held back a scoff and within a few moments, Rey felt warm again. She dropped her arms and sighed into the heat. She missed Jakku. She missed the sand. She missed the coarse feel of it between her toes. The snow was soft and cold and wet and she hated it. She looked at Kylo, who was holding his hands up to her. She could almost see the heat radiating off of his skin.

“You know, there are other ways to stay warm…” he mused, and Rey caught the hint of a smirk on his lips. She rolled her eyes and pulled her coat up to her chin. 

“Don’t even jest,” she said, and she put her head back on the floor. She was feeling tired again, and the warmth seemed to be lulling her into a sleepy reverie.

Kylo seemed to read her thoughts. “Go back to sleep, scavenger. When it’s time to leave, I’ll wake you up.”

Rey, in her sleepy state, glanced up, suddenly alert. “Are you making me fall asleep?” she asked, indignant. “Can you just do anything with the Force or are you a wizard, too?”

Kylo chuckled at that, and Rey found herself drawn to the sound. It sounded unlike him, like it belonged to someone else, someone far less dangerous. “There’s a lot about the Force you have yet to discover,” he told her. Before Rey could push him any further, she found herself settling into a deep, warm sleep.

-

When Finn woke up to see Rey’s footsteps fading into the snow, he cursed. He kicked over the canteen she’d left behind and bundled it up. It was dark, and freezing. Finn had never experienced anything quite like Hoth. He’d been to plenty of snowy planets as a stormtrooper, but their armor did a fantastic job of keeping them warm. This blue coat that Leia had packed was alright, but it didn't stop the flakes from finding their way onto his skin and settling there. Finn groaned, eyeing the footsteps. He wanted to follow Rey, but he knew it’d be wiser to use a ship. Warmer, and faster.

Reluctantly, Finn packed up camp. He knew Rey well enough to know that she hadn’t just gone out on a midnight stroll. He didn’t see any other footsteps aside from hers, but something didn’t feel right. He packed everything up, left the non-essentials behind, and walked back in the direction of the Falcon. 

Had it taken this long to walk this far? Finn couldn’t remember. The storm was freezing him to his core, his bones felt like ice inside his body, and he could barely see in front of him. He found himself falling to the snow, unable to stand back up. The snow felt like it was burning against his skin, but it didn't feel relieving. It was like a thousand knives cutting into his body. Finn tried to get to his feet, but he stumbled. 

A beam of light rose through the darkness. Finn looked up, and with relief, saw the familiar silhouette of the Falcon approaching. He struggled to his feet and watched it land in front of him. When the bottom of the ship opened, he saw Poe’s figure emerge from the light.

“I thought that was you,” shouted Poe, catching up to Finn’s side. He put an arm around him and guided him back to the ship, with BB-8 at his heels. Poe glanced around. “Where’s Rey?”

“I don’t know,” said Finn, struggling to make his lips speak through the cold. “How’d you know to come find me?”

Poe wiped a hand over his forehead. “The storm, kid. It’s as bad as I’ve seen in 32 years. I reckoned you hadn’t found our guy yet, so I wanted to make sure you guys were okay.”

Poe led Finn back into the Falcon. The sudden warmth made Finn sigh in happiness, but it wasn’t enough. He was still shaking. His fingers were numb. Before he could say anything, Poe reached over and pulled Finn’s coat off. He fought against him, staring at him wildly.

“Do you mind?” he exclaimed, trying to tug it back. “I’m trying to get warm, here.”

“I know that,” retorted Poe. “But you need to remove your clothes. Survival 101, genius.”

Finn tried fighting Poe off, but the pilot was cunning and quick. Within a minute, Finn was stripped down to his underwear. He was flushed, trying to shield himself from Poe, before he wondered why he even bothered. Poe had seen Finn without many clothes on before, down by the waters on Takodana. He remembered feeling at ease around Rey, but when Poe came around, he suddenly wished he could cover up. The man made him feel nervous, and he couldn’t put a finger on why.

Poe grinned when the last of Finn’s clothes were off. “There you go. You’ll warm up much faster now,” he said. Finn only nodded, still shaking a bit. Poe hesitated, his eyes hovering at Finn’s midriff. “You know, if you need more help, I could help heat you up more.”

“How?” asked Finn, his voice surprisingly high-pitched. Poe took Finn by the shoulders and sat him down on the cot. He then began to remove his own clothes. Finn shot out a hand to stop him, his heart racing, but Poe gave a roguish grin and stopped once he was out of his coat. Then, Poe sat beside him and tentatively, carefully, placed his arms on either side of Finn. Finn was shaking, yes, but he wasn’t sure it was still from the cold.

“Is that better?” asked Poe, looking concerned as Finn’s teeth chattered. He looked at the pilot, unsure of what to say. He only nodded as he tried to slow his heartbeat down. They stayed like that for a few minutes. Finn could feel Poe’s breath against his neck. He felt an odd sensation pool around his groin area, but he tried his hardest to push it away. 

Once Finn was no longer shivering, Poe withdrew his body. Finn felt a little depraved from the loss, but he didn’t let it show. “Now, about Rey…” said Poe, moving over to the cockpit. “There’s a tracker on the inside of her coat. Leia had them put them to ensure none of us got separated.” He pushed a few buttons until a screen popped up. A little red dot was beeping nearly two miles west of the Falcon. 

“She’s not moving…” said Finn, glancing at Poe. The pilot swallowed and got the ship ready to fly. Finn sat back, his thoughts racing. What if she found Kylo Ren? Every bad scenario was pulsing through him as Poe launched the ship up into the sky. He hoped she was alright.

If Kylo Ren did anything to her, he was sure he would kill the bastard.

-

Rey felt a push wake her up. It wasn't from a hand; she would recognize that. It felt more like the Force, gently pushing against her from within. She awoke slowly, her eyes blinking until she could see properly. It was light out now. Sunlight was pouring into the cave, and she could no longer hear wind. She stood, brushing excess snow off of her clothes. She looked around for Kylo, but he was nowhere to be seen. Had he left? Dread sifted through Rey at the thought. She was lucky to have gotten as close to the Jedi killer as she had. She couldn’t dream of finding him again, especially if he didn’t want to be found.

Rey zipped her coat up and slung her back over her shoulder. She picked up her staff and made her way out of the cave. The snow seemed much higher than it had the night before, but it wasn’t unmanageable. She pushed her way through it, feeling her boots crunch against the white powder. She looked for footsteps, anything that could lead her to Kylo Ren, but there was nothing.

She kicked at the snow. Would he just leave her here? She didn’t even get a chance to tell him why she’d come for him. Rey closed her eyes, trying to use the Force. She tried to sense him. As she began to feel a slight pull from behind her, she was distracted by the sound of a ship landing not too far from her. She opened her eyes. It was the Falcon.

“Rey!” called Finn, sprinting out from the ship. Rey hugged him as he got close, but he withdrew quickly and scowled at her. “What’s wrong with you? Why would you leave in the middle of the night like that?”

“I’m sorry, Finn,” said Rey, speaking quickly. “But I need to find Kylo. He was just here, and now he’s gone.”

“You found him?” asked Poe, who’d come out donning his green coat. 

Rey nodded. “But I didn't get to explain to him what our purpose is yet. I’m sorry but I need you two to wait here. I have to go find him.”

“I’m not letting you wander off again,” informed Finn, shaking his head. “No way.”

Poe put a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “Let her go,” he said. Finn gave an impatient noise of disapproval, but Poe nodded at Rey. “Go on. We’ll be here. There’s a tracker in your coat, so if we lose you again, we can easily get to you.”

Rey thanked Poe, and turned towards where the Force had pushed her. She heard Finn bickering with Poe as they made their way back to the ship, but she ignored them. She let the Force guide her through the ice lands, walking about a kilometer in the opposite direction of the ship.

Doubt flooded through Rey as she passed more and more tundra without spotting Kylo. She knew he wasn’t gone; she could sense him close by. But why had he left? What if he didn’t agree to her plan? She shivered, half from the cold, and half from something else. She didn’t want to fail Luke, but most of all, she didn’t want to ever see that despondent look in Leia’s eyes ever again.

Rey heard a crunch of snow from her left side. She whipped around, and there he was, standing in his black robes and his face hidden by a metal mask. He was looking at her, or at least she thought he was. She couldn’t see his eyes behind the mask.

“You know, if you don’t want to be in the First Order anymore, you should probably work on not looking like a a murderous lunatic,” she offered, facing him. Kylo stepped forward, moving towards her in the snow. He stopped about a foot away from her. They didn’t speak for a few minutes. They just looked at each other. Rey could see the formidable lightsaber hitched into his belt. She didn’t reach for her own. Not yet. She didn’t feel that Kylo wanted to fight her.

Kylo spoke through his mask, the filter making his voice sound ten times scarier than it actually was. “It’s time for us to part ways, scavenger,” he said. 

Rey shook her head. “No,” she pleaded, “I have to tell you something first.”

He waited, tilting his head. Rey took a deep breath. “I was sent here to bring you back to your mother. She misses you. She misses her son.”

“Her son is dead,” Kylo snarled, no longer polite. Rey took a step back, and her hand instinctively found her lightsaber. Kylo did not reach for his own, but he took a step towards her. “I want nothing to do with her.”

Rey’s anger returned, and she didn’t back down. “I’m sure you’re lying,” Rey said, glaring at him. “How she could ever forgive you for what you’ve done is beyond me, but that’s someone worth sticking around for. Don’t be an idiot, Kylo Ren. Come with us.”

Kylo let out a humorless chuckle. “What, with you, the traitor, and the pilot scum?”

“If I recall, you happen to be a traitor now, too,” said Rey. Kylo said nothing to that. He turned away from her, his mask looking out towards the snowy distance. She had a sudden urge to reach out and grab his arm, to drag him back to the ship, but she knew she wouldn’t come back in one piece if she did that.

“You don’t have anywhere else to go,” continued Rey, trying a different angle. “The First Order wants you dead. The Resistance won’t have you. What are you going to do, stay on Hoth for the rest of your life?”

“If I have to,” he replied stubbornly. Rey crossed her arms. He still had a touch of that childishness he presented her in the forest back on Starkiller. 

She tried to push her hate for him down to feel the Force better. She didn’t want to use a mind trick, for she was sure it would push him away. Instead, she reached out and placed a gentle hand on his arm.

“Please, Ben,” said Rey, but instantly, she regretted it. His hand shot out and grabbed her wrist. Kylo pulled her up towards his face, and his fingers were bruising her skin.

“If you ever call me that again, I won’t hesitate to kill you,” he whispered, squeezing her wrist. Rey tried jerking her arm away, tried hitting him, but nothing worked. She stared into his mask, panting, trying to get away from him. He shoved her from him, so hard she fell back into the snow. Her hands scraped against the rocks underneath the snow, and fresh blood spurted from her palms.

She heard Kylo take a step towards her, but she scrambled away from him. “Don’t come near me,” she snapped, getting to her feet. She tried nursing her hands, cursing the day she ever met Kylo Ren in her head, when she felt the Force flowing around her palms. She looked up from where it was coming from; Kylo’s extended, gloved hand.

He was healing her.

Rey jerked her hands away from his reach and hid them behind her. They stung, but she ignored the pain. She glared at him. “I’ll extend you my offer one last time, Kylo. Then, I’m leaving and I’m not coming back.”

Kylo neared her. “Don’t be stupid,” he argued. “I didn’t mean to make you bleed. I can heal those for you.”

“I don’t need your help!” she yelled, cradling her hands. “Just give me an answer. Are you coming or not?”

Kylo stopped for a moment. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t move. Rey huffed, trying to regain her breath. She was still shivering from the cold. Then, Kylo reached up and took his mask off. His wild hair flew out of the helmet and he looked at her. His eyes were more vulnerable than she’d ever seen. 

“Fine,” he murmured, looking towards the Falcon. “Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if anyone didn't see the Kylo Ren skit on SNL a few nights ago, DEFINITELY go check that out, it was hilarious. Thanks for the hits/kudos/comments guys!


	5. Crashing on Taris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren boards the Falcon, and is met with hostility from Finn. The Falcon loses control and Kylo and Rey are separated from Finn and Poe.

They walked and thanks to Kylo’s use of the Force, Rey wasn’t nearly as cold as she was the last time she’d trekked through Hoth. She still extended the charcoal colored extra coat to him, but he looked at it like it had four heads. 

“I know you don’t need it, but it’d make it easier for me to walk,” she said weakly, holding it up for him. She’d been carrying it around since she left the ship, and it was starting to feel heavy. When Kylo didn’t reach for it, Rey sighed and began to stuff it back in her bag. Before she could, it hovered out of her hands and into the outstretched palm of Kylo Ren. He muttered something under his breath, probably insulting Rey’s lack of Force knowledge, but he put it on nonetheless.

Rey was caught off guard a little bit as Kylo got into the coat. She’d never seen him wear anything aside from his usual black. The charcoal wasn’t much lighter, but the gray suited him well. She watched little flakes of snow imprint on his shoulders beneath his dark hair. The snow was not much whiter than his skin, which was as milky as the stars. She found herself staring, and when he met her eyes with a curious glint, she turned away, her cheeks burning.

The Falcon was in view. Rey could hardly believe it had been this easy to persuade Kylo Ren to join their side. He wasn’t exactly enthusiastic; Rey’s throat still ached from the choke hold. Nevertheless, she was proud of herself. She was sure he’d put up more of a fight, but here he was, walking beside her, his fearsome lightsaber tucked away in his robes. She could feel remnants of the Force all around her, especially since his heat bubble was protecting her from the cold. However, she didn’t feel like she had the same grasp on it as before. She tried mimicking Kylo’s movements by holding up her palm to make a rock nearby move. It hovered off the ground for a second before clattering back down. Rey shoved her hand back in her coat, frowning. When she caught Kylo’s smirk, it took all she had not to throw a ball of snow in his direction.

The lights of the Falcon shown on them as they approached the ship. While they boarded, Rey felt a little cautious. The last time Kylo and Finn and seen each other, it ended in Finn injured by the dark lord’s saber. She swallowed as they made their way onto the ship.

As predicted, Finn was staring daggers at Kylo as he walked onto the ship. He looked around the Falcon with a distasteful look in his eye. Rey’s lip curled at that; of course he’d see the ship as a piece of junk, just like she had the first time she’d seen it. She had grown an immeasurable pride for the ship in the last few months, and she didn’t like the way Kylo was looking at it. She supposed it must’ve looked like a sandbox compared to Starkiller Base.

Rey stepped forward, slipping out of her coat and leaving it on the table. “You both know Kylo Ren,” said Rey, a bit awkwardly. Poe stood from the pilot chair and crossed his arms.

“Yeah, of course. How could I forget him ordering to murder an entire village and torturing me with his little Jedi magic trick?” shot Poe, raising an eyebrow. “I’ll admit, I didn’t expect you to look so…”

“Arrogant?” cut in Finn from the door. “Pale?”

“Human,” said Poe finally. Rey glanced at Kylo. His white hand was twitching towards his belt.

“Leave him be,” instructed Rey. “General Organa wants him back in one piece. It won’t do her any good to give him back without his head.”

“Don’t tempt me,” said Finn drily, and he walked towards Kylo slowly. Kylo turned, pure hatred in his eyes for his former stormtrooper. Rey tried to step in between them, but Finn held out an arm to her. He stared into Kylo’s eyes, unmoving. “If you try anything, especially to Rey, I’ll shoot your damn head off without thinking twice.”

Kylo stared back, and Rey was sure of it this time. His hand was definitely fondling his lightsaber from within his robes. “We wouldn’t want that, would we?” murmured Kylo, that amused gleam in his eye. “My poor mother would certainly be disappointed if you couldn’t control yourself, FN-2187. I know how desperate she is to see me.”

“Don’t talk about General Organa like that,” snapped Poe, taking a step forward. Rey put a hand on his chest, keeping him back.

“Come on, Poe,” she said. “No one wants him on the ship less than I do but we have instructions. Just get in the ship in the air and we’ll be on our way.”

Kylo tilted his head in Poe’s directions. “Listen to the girl,” said Kylo. “She seems to have a better grip on her emotions than you do.”

Poe gave Kylo a very rude hand gesture before turning back to the pilot chair. Kylo shrugged. “Proves my point,” he said, giving Rey a cocky look. She ignored him. 

It was awkward, sitting on the ship with her two closest allies and her worst enemy. None of her Jedi training could’ve prepared her for this. She sat in the co-pilot chair as Poe flew the ship back towards Takodana. Finn sat on the cot, watching Kylo closely, who was meditating at the table beside the helmet that he’d removed when he got on the ship. Rey caught herself staring once more. His eyes were closed and still, his hands resting on either leg as he took deep breaths in. Rey was reminded, vaguely, of Master Luke. Kylo’s concentration was unmatched. She wondered if she threw something at it if he would catch it or not. Just as the thought crossed her head, Kylo’s eyes opened and they met hers. She wanted to look away, and she could feel herself blushing again, but she couldn’t. His eyes were like a black hole; they were sucking her in, and it was she could do from standing up and falling into his gaze.

Finn stood abruptly from the cot. Rey was snapped out of her spell. He neared Kylo, but Kylo didn’t take his eyes off Rey. “You know, I don’t think we can actually trust this lunatic,” announced Finn. He put a hand on his gun. “I think we’d be better off telling Leia that he’s been killed. Gods know half the galaxy wants to collect the bounty on him. Might as well make it easier for them.”

“Enough, Finn,” called Poe. “We have our orders.”

“We don’t have to tell her the truth, do we?” said Finn, his fingers curling around the handle of the gun. “The reality of what her son has become has already torn her up twice. Why go for a third? This would be easier.”

Rey stood up from her chair. “You don’t know what you’re saying, Finn,” she said, shaking her head. “Lie to General Organa? Could you live with yourself after all she’s done for us?”

“Trust me, this would be a favor,” interjected Finn. “I’ve seen this man at his worst, Rey. He’s not worth forgiving. He’s not worth _anything,_ ” he spat. He slid his gun out of his belt. Before Rey could jump towards him, Kylo was already standing, his lightsaber lit and hoisted beside his head.

“You’re one to talk about forgiveness,” said Kylo, gripping his lightsaber tight. “You committed high treason. If it weren't for you, the First Order would’ve defeated the Resistance.”

“You see?” exclaimed Finn. “He’s still First Order scum. He still talks like one of them. I bet he still _is_ one of them,” he said. “We can’t trust him, Rey. He’s a liar and he’ll kill us all the minute we close our eyes.”

“Maybe not all of you,” argued Kylo, though the murderous look on his face didn’t back his words up well. Finn held his gun up high.

“No!” shouted Rey. “Stop! I need him.” She was breathing heavily. She watched Finn’s eyes widen in disbelief at her words. Even Kylo lowered his saber a bit in surprise. Rey sighed impatiently. “It’s a Jedi thing. I can’t…I can’t access the Force without him. I need to be able to forgive him.”

Finn gaped, glancing back and forth between Rey and Ren. He was shaking his head. “He’s unforgivable,” he said finally. 

Kylo smirked at this, his dark eyes piercing Rey. She could feel her heart beating hard in her chest. “If all it takes is you hating me for me to defeat you,” said Kylo, raising his saber, “then all you had to do was say so.”

Kylo slashed his lightsaber towards Finn. Finn yelped and jumped back. He shot his gun towards Kylo, but he dodged it easily with his saber. “Stop it!” shouted Poe, and the ship began to waver a bit. “No fighting on my ship!”

“It’s my ship,” snapped Rey, but she had no time to argue. Finn had knocked the lightsaber out of Kylo’s hand and they were wrestling on the ground, each throwing punches. Finn pinned Kylo to the floor of the ship by his hair and began punching the ivory skin into a pulp.

“Finn!” Rey shouted, reaching out to pull Finn off of Kylo. Kylo used the Force to knock both of them back. Finn’s elbow jutted into Rey’s gut on the impact, and she gasped in pain, her hands finding her stomach and holding it. She wheezed, trying to regain her breath. Finn turned to help her, but before he could, Kylo was pulling him back and throwing him against the other side of the ship.

“No,” she moaned, getting to her feet shakily. Kylo towered over Finn and reached out a hand. His lightsaber flew back into his hand. He lit it up, and held it over his head. “ _No!_ ” screamed Rey, launching towards Kylo’s broad back. In an instant, she was stationary. Kylo held a hand towards her, using the Force to keep her still. She fought with all of her might, but it wouldn’t budge. She felt just as scared and helpless as she had in the forest on Takodana. But she didn’t have to be. She was a Jedi now. Rey closed her eyes and pushed with all of her might. She began to feel her legs again. She kicked, and a few seconds later, she was back in motion. She completely shook off Kylo’s Force hold.

Kylo lowered his hand. “Well, scavenger,” he said, looking triumphant. “I suppose you don’t hate me as much as you think you do.”

Rey panted, reaching for her own lightsaber. “I wouldn’t count on it,” she shouted. Before she could swing it towards Kylo, the Falcon flew completely upside down. Rey fell, sliding into Finn as the ship hurdled around. “Poe, what's going on?” she called. Kylo’s lightsaber fell into the table, cutting it clean in half. He waved a hand and the laser withdrew into the saber. 

“Finn shot a damn beam into the control pad,” shouted Poe, who was vigorously pushing buttons as BB-8 beeped wildly beside him. “We’re crashing. Holy shit, we’re crashing.”

And they were. Rey could feel the ship falling into the atmosphere of a planet she didn’t recognize. She could see a lot of green from the window, even more than Takodana. She held onto a nearby pillar, trying to calm down as the ship plummeted from the sky. 

She felt a hand on her shoulder, and was surprised to see Kylo by her side. “We can survive this,” he told her over the roaring of the ship. “Use the Force. Concentrate. We can jump from this ship.”

“What about them?” Rey shouted back, scowling. “I won’t leave them.”

“Then you die,” retorted Kylo, standing up and removing his hand. “See if I care. See if anyone does.”

Poe raced from the cockpit and rushed to the supply shelf. “We only have two parachutes!” he yelled, looking back at them. Finn’s mouth dropped. He looked at Rey. She knew in an instant that he’d save her over himself. Her heart warmed, but she wouldn’t let that happen. 

“Take them,” said Rey. “Kylo and I can use the Force.”

“You sure?” shouted Poe, but as the ship began to fall even faster, he quickly tossed a chute at Finn and put one on himself. Rey turned to Kylo, still gripping her pillar tightly.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” she admitted, wide eyed. For a second, Kylo looked stunned. He stared at Rey and for the first time, she felt like he wasn’t belittling her with his eyes. He leaned down and put his hands on her shoulders. Rey flinched at the alien contact, but Kylo kept his hands steady.

“I’ll help you this time but I swear, you’re going to learn the ways of the Force even if I have to teach you myself,” Kylo uttered. He looked out of the window and then back to her. “Just hold on to me. I’ll get us to safety.”

Rey hesitated. Poe was opening the ship and getting Finn ready to jump. He gave Rey one last look before jumping from the ship with Finn. She looked back towards Kylo, terrified. His grip on her shoulders became harder. “Do as I say, girl. Hold onto me.”

She reached out and wrapped her arms around Kylo’s neck. He, in turn, slid his hands down her back, gripping her tightly to him. Rey’s heart never sounded so loud. She could hear it thumping, louder than the crashing Falcon. Their chests met, and she swore she could feel his racing too. She tucked her head in his neck. There was more fear in her than she cared to admit. 

Kylo’s grip around her tightened and Rey let out a breath. As she feared for her life, and clutched her enemy closely, she couldn't help but notice how good he smelled. She remembered her days on Jakku, where it rained only a few times a year. Every time it rained, there was a wonderful scent that came off of the wet sand. She only got to enjoy it a few times in her life, but she always remembered how good it was every time it happened. As she breathed in through her nose, the scent of the rain filled her nose. He smelled like it. Like a distant, hot, sandy world, dry until the day it rains. She closed her eyes against his skin, taking it in as the ship suddenly disappeared around them and they were falling, falling fast through the air.

-

Kylo had used the Force to soften his landings in the past, but never from this high up. He didn’t doubt his abilities, but he had also never had to hold someone while he used them, either. He held onto her, her thin body wrapped around him in a way that he’d never felt another body before. Kylo tried his hardest to focus on the wind howling around them as the fell, but he couldn’t ignore the way her legs felt wrapped around his.

He sucked in a breath, trying to pretend she was just any kind of person, but she wasn’t. She was a Jedi. The longer he touched her, the more connected he felt with the Force. He could feel it ebbing and flowing within both of them. Hers seemed so untapped, so raw, while his was abused. He was drawn to it, to her purity, and he when he felt her lips accidentally touch his throat, he had to hold back a startled sound from escaping his mouth.

The trees below were getting bigger and closer. They were spiraling, and he could feel the girl breathing heavily against them. He closed his eyes and tried taking her Force for his own, trying to convince it that he wasn’t stealing, merely borrowing for both of their lives to be saved. He felt for it like a rope hanging nearby, and they swung, the tops of the trees caressing them instead of cutting them. Kylo reached down and scooped up her legs, bringing her into more of an embrace as his feet met the branches below. He used as much as his power as he could to glide down, but his toes tripped on a wild twig and they fell to the forest floor. 

Kylo opened his eyes. The trees seemed hazy, like they were in a dream. He could feel her legs still intertwined with his as she laid beside him. When he looked, her eyes were closed. Alarmed, he shot up and reached for her, but in a second she was on her back and her eyes were open.

“How…how’d you do that?” she asked in wonder, staring up at the sky. Kylo’s stomach dropped as he watched her innocent face. Her wonder was childlike, but there was something about it that made Kylo want to teach her everything he knew. 

“It’s something you can easily learn how to achieve,” he told her. The girl looked at him, her eyes meeting his as her chest rose up and down rapidly. He could feel her legs, so close to his, but he didn’t dare move them. He was waiting for her to do it on her own.

She seemed to realize their position and she untangled her limbs from his and pulled them into her chest. “We have to find the others,” she said, looking around. Then, she groaned. “The Falcon…”

“I’m sure it can be repaired,” Kylo said, offering his hand as he stood up. She ignored it and stood up on her own. “Though I don’t know why you bother. It’s a piece of shit.”

“It was your father’s,” said Rey, and before she could help herself, “not like you respected anything of his anyway.”

Kylo felt the words cut into him like a knife. Any compassion he’d been feeling for her faded and he turned away from her, glaring at the ground. “I hope it’s ruined. And I hope that traitor is a part of the wreckage,” he muttered, kicking at some grass. Rey let out an annoyed sound as she straightened out her clothes.

“You know, I don’t know why I even bother with you,” she said, strutting away from him. “You’re absolutely vile.”

“Where are you going?” he asked dully, turning back towards her.

“Anywhere away from you,” Rey snapped, picking up her lightsaber from the ground where it’d fallen out of her belt. “I’m going to find my friends.”

“Good luck,” Kylo said snidely. “They’re miles away. I can feel them. It’ll take days to reach them, and then what? How do you suppose we’ll fly to Takodana without a ship?”

“I don’t care,” shouted Rey, whipping around to look at him. “As long as I can stop being around you and your childish tongue I’ll be happy!” 

“You didn’t seem to mind being around my childish tongue when you had your mouth on my skin,” Kylo replied, smirking. Rey immediately turned red. She picked up a rock from the ground and flung it at him. Kylo lazily used his fingers to flick it aside with the Force. Rey had her fists curled at sides.

“You’re impossible,” she breathed, shaking from anger. Kylo stepped towards her. 

“We’ll find them faster if we travel by day,” he said, pointing at the sky. “If my calculations are correct, we’re on Taris. I expect you’ve never been here, so I’m guessing you know nothing about the dangers of Taris at night.”

The girl looked at him warily, like she didn’t trust his word. She looked up at the sky and sighed. “I guess we’ll have to make camp soon then.”

Kylo nodded. “We’ll rise at dawn and start our journey. And if anything tries to attack us, well, it’s lucky you’ve managed to be stranded with a master of the Force,” said Kylo, a small smile on his lips. Rey rolled her eyes. 

“I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself,” she said, crossing her arms. As she walked, she tripped on a stray rock. Kylo’s smile turned into a full on grin.

“Of course you are, scavenger,” he chided gently. Rey jutted her chin out and ignored him. She walked ahead of him to find a place to set up camp. Kylo followed her, watching the back of her as she led him through the forest. Her hair had come out of place again during the fall, and she angrily tried knotting it back up on her head. Kylo liked it down. He liked the way the brown locks contrasted with her slightly tanned skin. It brought out the spattering of freckles on her nose. He watched her carefully, studying her every movement. The more he looked, the more he was amazed by this girl. She was fearless. 

Kylo felt an ominous feeling pass over him as he followed Rey through the trees. Then, a deep voice sounded in his head. _I do hope you’re not getting off track,_ came Snoke’s voice in his head. _We have a plan, Kylo Ren. Do your part and stick with it._

Kylo gritted his teeth. _Yes, Supreme Leader,_ he thought. Kylo cursed himself. From now on, he needed to have much better control of his thoughts. 

Especially when it came to the girl.


	6. Upon A Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe split up to find Rey and Kylo. Rey accidentally stumbles upon a very private dream of Kylo's.

When Poe landed on the surface of Taris, his first concern was whether Finn had pulled his chute in time. Poe had been ejected from many ships in his day, but he wasn't so sure the former janitor had much falling experience under his belt. He looked around wildly, trying to find Finn among the wreckage. He spotted BB-8 with a happy sigh of a relief. But there was no sign of Finn.

“Finn!” Poe called, hoping to find him stirring somewhere. The fact that they’d lost Rey and Ren wasn’t something he could worry about right now. His thoughts were only concerned with Finn. As he shuffled through the broken ship parts, he was happy to see a familiar dark face looking up at him. 

“That was by far the most nerve-wracking thing I’ve ever done,” said Finn, in a shocked tone. Poe extended a hand and helped Finn to his feet. He was covered in dirt, so Poe took it upon himself to wipe his clothes before he could help it. He began brushing at Finn’s shirt, and felt the strong, hard muscles there. He paused, glancing up at Finn’s face. Finn was watching him, but he didn’t push him away.

“Sorry,” muttered Poe, backing away.

“No, uh…thank you,” said Finn awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. Poe looked around them at the expansive forest. 

“Well, it’s going to suck to try and find them now,” said Poe sadly. “That is, if they made it.”

“It’s Kylo Ren,” complained Finn, rolling his eyes. “No matter what, that son of a bitch manages to survive.”

“Well, let’s hope we find him before someone else does,” said Poe, staring at the ship’s wreckage. It was mainly intact, but there were parts that certainly needed to be repaired. 

Finn looked even more nervous. “Look, Poe, I’m sorry about the ship. I didn’t mean for it to get that out of hand.”

Poe shrugged. “It’s not like you intended for all of us to plummet to our deaths. Unless you really hate Kylo Ren that much,” mused Poe, grinning at Finn. His grin faded when he studied the damage. “It’s going to take at least a week to fix the Falcon. Even if we find them soon, we’re still going to have to wait.”

“Maybe you should stay with the ship,” said Finn. “BB-8 and I can make our way through to try and find them.”

As he said it, BB-8 began tracking Rey’s location. In a few seconds, he beeped in confirmation. Finn checked the droid: it said she and Ren were located 15 miles west of them. Finn sighed. “Looks like I’m walking,” said Finn. BB-8 beeped and began to follow a path he’d created in his maps system. Finn glanced at Poe. “If you need me, just buzz me,” he said, gesturing to BB-8. 

Poe smiled. “Be careful, Finn. I might never stop buzzing,” he joked. At least, Finn thought he was joking. He smiled back, feeling a little dazed, but he turned on his heel and followed BB-8 into the forest.

-

The separation from Finn and Poe was not something Rey anticipated. She was struck with a keen sense of worry about them; what if the parachutes didn’t work? What if they did work but got caught on something dangerous? Rey tried her hardest to sense them, but the Force wasn’t doing her any favors. She had to take Kylo at his word - something she very seriously doubted.

She and Kylo walked through the forest for a half hour before they found a suitable place to make camp. The Taris sun was beginning to set, and Rey wasn’t ready to meet any of the dangers Kylo threatened would make an appearance at night. “Let’s just stay here,” she said, pointing to a small enclosed cavern hidden by tall grass. Once inside, she slung her bag on the ground and sat down, her feet tired from walking and her heart still feeling a bit faint from the free fall.

Kylo followed suit, but he ducked his head out of the cavern. “I’ll take the first watch,” he said. Rey didn’t argue. She wasn’t tired at all, so she decided to work on her grip on the Force. She located a small rock in the cavern. She extended her hand and tried to move it with her mind. It lifted off the ground momentarily but clattered back down after only a few seconds. She sighed, glancing at Kylo. His back was to her, but she was sure he could tell what she was doing. She felt intimidated by him. In the forest back on Starkiller, she’d seemed so sure. She was bursting with hatred then, fresh and deep from seeing Han Solo fall to his death. Yet she still managed to overpower Kylo, at least until the fissure separated them. Why was it so hard to control the Force now?

She tried again, flexing her fingers a little farther apart. She managed to keep the rock steady for longer, nearly a minute, but it felt like she was running a marathon to do so. She let her hand fall as she panted. Rey heard an amused chuckle from the mouth of the cavern. She ignored it, all the more determined to make the rock fly across the cavern and hit Kylo Ren in the head. She reached her hand out one last time, but it didn’t even budge. She sat back and crossed her arms. She could feel the frustration building in her. 

They sat in silence for what felt like hours. Rey’s eyes never faltered and she remained awake, worry still penetrating her mind. She tried to feel Finn or Poe, but she only got a faint sense of relief. She rolled over, eyeing Kylo. She could see his straight back was beginning to curve downward with exhaustion.

“Let’s switch,” she offered, standing up. “I’m too worried to sleep anyway.”

“I could fix that, you know,” said Kylo, as he lifted his head. “I could teach you how to use the Force to connect with the ones you’re close to. I figured Skywalker had taught you that already but I clearly thought more of him than I should’ve.”

“You’ll take any excuse to knock Master Luke,” said Rey, rolling her eyes. “And after all he did for you.”

“I’m not interested in a lecture,” muttered Kylo. They passed each other as Rey made her way to the mouth of the cavern. Kylo looked in her eyes as he passed her, and she felt that familiar swooping sensation in her stomach that she’d been getting for the last few days. She took his spot and sat, watching the dark forest. She turned to ask Kylo what kind of horrors she should be looking out for, but before she could, she could feel Kylo’s soft, level breathing. He was already asleep. 

Rey turned back around and stared out into the forest, her chin resting on her knee. She could see what looked like fireflies in the distance, dancing up and down the trees. She heard creatures scuttling all around. She sat there for a few hours, bored and wishing her eyes would just shut. When she felt a drop of water slide down her face, she realized it was raining. Rey loved rain. It was so infrequent on Jakku that seeing it was like seeing a ghost. The smell of the rain reminded her of the way Kylo’s skin smelled, however, and she frowned. She didn’t like to associate him with things she enjoyed. She knew she should try to, for Luke’s sake, but she couldn’t shake the angry feelings that he stir up in her so quickly.

Rey had to at least try. She closed her eyes and began to meditate. She took deep breaths in, focusing on the sound of the rain. The smell. Kylo’s breaths from behind her. Together they formed a harmonious symphony, something that sounded so beautiful and pure to Rey’s ears. She tried not to question it. She ignored her instinctual feelings about him. She breathed in, trying to fall into his pattern. 

The world around her shifted. Rey opened her eyes. 

She recognized the Falcon. It looked less dirty, less old, but it’s loading dock was open and a man stood on it, speaking to someone. Rey glanced around, confused as to what was happening. Could it be another vision? She heard a familiar laugh and her heart nearly stopped.

Han.

It was him, speaking with someone about Luke. “He’s taking in new Force-sensitive younglings, so I’m taking my son there now,” said Han, and Rey could detect the pride in his voice. “He’s going to be a master Jedi someday. Just like his uncle.”

For the first time, Rey noticed the little boy standing beside his father. He had dark hair and waxy skin, and he was utterly recognizable, even as a child.

"Are you coming with me, dad?” asked Ben Solo, tugging at his father’s sleeves. Han looked down and put a hand on Ben’s head, tousling his hair.

“I’m dropping you off, pal,” said Han. Ben looked downcast at that. He looked to his feet and shuffled them, sighing.

“So you’re not staying with me then,” replied Ben sadly. Han leaned down to his son’s level. He took him by the shoulders, but not before using a finger to lift his chin up. 

“Hey, now. None of that sad nonsense from you,” said Han, holding back a grin. “You’re going to be great, kiddo. You’ll blow all the other kids away and when you come home, your mother and I will be so proud of you.”

“I’ll miss you,” sniffed Ben. 

“I know,” replied Han. 

Han leaned over and gave Ben a hug. Ben clung to his father’s shoulders tightly and Rey saw tears in the young boy’s eyes. She was reminded so much of when her family left her that she could feel her throat drying and her eyes welling with moisture. She tried to run out, to beg Han not to let Ben go, but the vision became hazy and the two Solo’s disappeared from Rey’s sight.

The scene changed. She didn’t know where she was, but it was certainly not somewhere she’d ever been before. Rey was in a field, surrounded by green grass, rolling hills and water. So much water. She could see lakes and waterfalls and trees reaching up to the sky. She could hear buzzing around her. The air was fresh, and it had a wonderful taste to it, like the first sip of water after a long trek in the desert. 

Rey heard a laugh behind her. A familiar laugh. It was so familiar that Rey could’ve sworn it came from her own throat. 

It had.

She turned and almost gasped aloud at the sight of herself in the grass. Only, she was standing right there. She was standing in the grass, in her tunic and wraps and her hair was tied up in knots. The Rey in the grass wore a dress as golden as the sands of Jakku, sparkling in the sunlight. Her hair was let down in curls all the way down past her shoulders. Rey was certain she’d never looked so beautiful in her life. She was also quite sure that she’d never looked so happy. The Rey in the grass laughed again, a gleeful trill, at the man sitting beside her. He too wore fine clothing, in silvers and grays.

“Do it again, Ben,” the other Rey pleaded, smiling knowingly at the man. He lifted his dark head. Kylo. Or was it? Rey took a step closer. This Kylo was unlike the one she knew. His skin was much less milky and more translucent, like the sheen of a pearl. His hair was conditioned and shiny, and that smile…it was dazzling. Rey’s heart jumped in her chest at the sight of him. Kylo lifted his hand and water from the nearby lake lifted up from the surface and hovered in air. The Rey in the grass watched it in wonder until Kylo flicked his fingers and splashed on her beautiful gown.

The other Rey gasped and began to smack Kylo, but it wasn’t with a hint of aggression. “You’re making me hate you, Ben,” said Rey, but she couldn’t hold back the laugh on her lips. Kylo sat up immediately, and Rey watched in shock as he put his hand on her (was it even really her?) cheek.

“Don’t say that,” Kylo murmured softly, his eyes half-lidded. “You’ll break my heart.” 

“And so what if I do,” prompted the other Rey, smirking happily. “You’ll just go off and find one of the many girls who would die to be in your arms.”

“Let them die anyway,” said Kylo, brushing hair from the other Rey’s face. “It’s you I want.”

The other Rey had a look on her face that the real Rey couldn’t possibly imagine ever letting slide on her own visage. It was one of pure longing, of true happiness. Of love. Something Rey had never before experienced. Something she didn’t want to. Not for him. Never for him.

At the thought, the dream Kylo suddenly looked in her direction. Horror flew onto his features. 

“What are you doing here?” he hissed, the adoration leaving his face, leaving only shock and anger. Rey shook her head and took a step back. The other Rey looked in her direction. They met eyes. 

Rey sprang awake, gasping for air as she fell to the floor of the cavern. The rain was beating down hard now, but she didn’t care. She could hear Kylo stirring behind her. She grabbed her staff from beside her and ran from the cavern without a second thought. She fled through the trees and the darkness. She thought she heard someone calling her name from behind her, but she didn’t care. Rey sprinted, jumping over roots and bushes and stepping through small rivers formed by the rain. She had to get away from the cavern. Away from him.

The reality of what she’d done was becoming more and more apparent to her the faster she ran. She’d done it. She’d gone into Kylo Ren’s dreams. She hadn't meant to. She hadn't tried to. The horror of what she’d seen was haunting her mind. She couldn’t get it out of her head as her body began to soak from the rain. It seemed so real. Han was there, he was alive. He was making the biggest mistake of his life, and Rey could do nothing to stop him.

And the meadow…Rey saw herself as clear as her own reflection. The way she looked at Kylo. The way he, in turn, looked at her. Like she was something else. Like she wasn’t just “girl” or “scavenger” or “desert rat”. Like she was something special.

Rey swallowed a sob. She couldn't process what she’d seen. Why was Kylo Ren dreaming about her like that? The anger on his face after he noticed her presence was terrifying. It prompted her to run, so fast and so far that she prayed he’d never catch up. 

Rey’s foot got caught on a branch and she tripped. She fell face first on the forest floor. She coughed, sitting up and spitting out grass from her mouth. Her legs were wobbly and her heart was racing. The rain continued to pour down on her as she huddled against a nearby log, wishing she was back on the Falcon with Finn and Poe. This was too much. This wasn’t anything that she could’ve imagined. She looked back, scared she’d see Kylo there with his lightsaber, ready to slay her for invading his privacy. 

Instead, there was a large bear-like creature, with jagged, sharp teeth and two heads. Rey jumped to her feet. It was large, and hairy, and it looked severely pissed off. Rey felt for her lightsaber, but she realized with horror that she had left it in the cave. She looked back at the bear. It was growling, pawing at the ground, ready to charge. 

“You don’t want to attack me,” she called out, gripping her staff behind her. “You want to turn around and walk away.”

The bear growled even louder at her voice. Rey had no idea if the Jedi mind trick worked on animals. She guessed not, because a moment later, it was charging. Rey held out her staff, ready to beat it until it inevitably chewed her to a pulp. She was shaking as she lifted the staff over her head.

The sound of a lightsaber pierced the night. Red light shone in Rey’s eyes as it flashed quickly across the darkness. She heard the bear groan and screech as the lightsaber connected with its sides. Rey fell to the ground as it knocked over a tree and it nearly landed on her. She stared at the bear, dead on the ground, with Kylo standing over it, lightsaber ablaze. Once he was sure it was dead, Kylo turned off the lightsaber and looked down at Rey. He was looking quite vicious.

“So, you parade around with this act of not being able to use the Force, and then use it to hop into my mind without asking,” said Kylo, stepping towards her, his eyes not leaving hers, “and then you run into a rainstorm and into a deadly beast, forcing me to chase you and eventually save you.”

“I didn’t need you to save me,” shouted Rey over the rain indignantly. “I had my staff, didn’t I?”

“Yes, and you would’ve gotten to take it to the grave with you,” snapped Kylo. “How stupid can you be?”

“Shut up,” she yelled, getting to her feet. Rey knew she should’ve been thanking him for helping her, but she was still angry and scared at what she had seen in his mind. “I’m not the one having weird dreams about you!”

Kylo’s expression turned dangerous. He raised a finger and pointed it at her. “You had no right to invade my mind,” he snarled. “How dare you lie to me. You’ve been able to use the Force this whole time, haven’t you? You just wanted to fuck with me.”

Rey flinched at the curse but shook her head. “I promise, I haven’t,” she explained, “I don’t know why I was able to do that. I don’t even know how I did.”

“Rubbish,” said Kylo. His long hair was slick against his face, dripping wet from the unrelenting rain. Rey gritted her teeth and glared at him.

“I don’t need to explain anything to you,” she bickered, trying to move past him. “I’m going back to the cavern. Don’t you dare follow me.”

As she walked by him. Kylo reached out and grabbed her upper arm. Rey tried pulling it away but he pulled her to him, clenching it tightly.

“You have to stop doing this,” she complained, trying to resist. 

Kylo ignored her. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. They looked at each other in the rain for a little while. Rey watched rivulets flow down his cheeks, across his lips, and down his throat. She was sure she didn’t look much better. Kylo tried again, but he wasn’t looking in her eyes this time. “That dream…it didn't mean anything,” Kylo said. Rey scoffed and rolled her eyes, but she felt a strange sense of dread in her gut at his words. “It was just a dream.”

Rey looked at his anxious face, waiting for him to look her in the eyes. When he didn’t, she masterfully slid her wrist out of his. “It can’t mean anything,” Rey pointed out quietly. He looked in her eyes then, and she felt that stupid sensation again in her gut. Rey continued. “Kylo that…that would never happen. Ever.”

“I know that,” Kylo sneered, scowling at her. “I wouldn’t want it to. And besides, it only happened because you so rudely entered my head without permission.”

Rey opened her mouth to argue, but she knew he was right. It was wrong of her to invade his privacy like that. She bowed her head. “I’m sorry,” she admitted, shrugging as she looked at him. “I really didn’t know that I was doing it.”

Kylo gestured his head towards the trees, and she followed him back through the rain and into the cavern. As they walked back, Kylo told her, “I’m going to help you hone in on your abilities. Not only is it truly embarrassing how little you know, but I don’t want any more mishaps.”

Rey ignored the jab, and didn’t say anything. She wasn’t sure she wanted Kylo Ren as a teacher. Wouldn’t that make her his apprentice? She didn’t want that. When she got back into the cavern, she shivered and searched her bag for dry clothes. She made sure she was hidden from Kylo’s view as she changed out of her soaking wet wraps. Once she was finished, she realized just how tired she was. She knew the sun was coming up in a few more hours, so she only had a little bit of time to sleep. As she put her head down and closed her eyes, she heard Kylo’s voice coming from the mouth of the cavern.

“Oh and just so you know…” he said, and Rey could almost taste the amusement dripping off his voice. “When you enter someone’s dream, you automatically insert your own emotions and thoughts onto them. The result is a dream that is composed by not just the person dreaming, but by both of them.”

Rey’s stomach dropped. She opened her eyes and saw Kylo’s shiny eyes staring in her direction. She swallowed, and turned back to her makeshift bed. 

Maybe Kylo helping her out with the Force wouldn’t be so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm officially obsessed with them. How about you?


	7. Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo begins to teach Rey about the Force. He ends up showing her more than she ever guessed he would.

The rain didn’t let up by morning, making it very difficult for Kylo and Rey to move. They tried to trudge through the rain, but Taris didn’t offer a very easy terrain to move through. Kylo saw Rey glancing over her shoulder every now and then, and he could easily feel an impression from her thoughts; she was nervous that a similar creature to the one that attacked her would jump her from behind. Kylo knew this wasn’t a possibility. He could sense everything within a mile of them, every insect on a branch, every brush of wind against the trees. He could hear her heart beating from within her chest. He liked to listen to it rise when she accidentally stumbled on something, and he got nervous when it got too low. When he felt his own body respond to the thought of her passing out, he passed it off as a worry that if she died, he wouldn’t be taken too kindly by FN-2187 or the pilot once he found them.

The rain pelted down from the sky. Kylo had never felt more soaked in his life. He remembered a summer he spent on Naboo with his parents by the water, how his Uncle Luke thought it would be funny to Force push him into the water. He was only seven at the time, and deathly afraid of water. When the ground disappeared from under his feet and he crashed into the water, Kylo remembered feeling so helpless, scared, and most of all, wet. His dark hair was dripping and his robes clung to his skin as his father jumped in the water and helped fish him out. He remembered shaking, feeling like he would never be completely dry again.

This was far worse. Everywhere he looked, Kylo’s vision was distorted by the unrelenting rain. He could feel Rey stumbling behind him, so when they reached a waterfall after a few miles of walking, he led her through the streaming water and into the little alcove of a cave behind it.

Rey was shaking her body and trying to get the water off of her. “I don’t think I’ve ever missed Jakku so much,” she commented. Kylo tried not to stare at how closely the fabric of her clothes embedded itself on her skin. He could see every outline of her body through the thin clothes. The way her hipbones pointed, the curve of her breasts, the outline of her bottom. He looked away quickly, focusing on getting himself dry. He took off his long black robe and hung it up on the wall of the cave. 

“We shouldn’t stay here long,” said Rey, letting her hair down so she could wring it out. “We still have a ways to walk and it’s not even noon yet.”

“In the meantime,” said Kylo, “we should work on your Force.”

Rey rolled her eyes at this. “Do we have to? I know why I’m being blocked, Kylo. It won’t get better until you’re gone,” she said, then grimaced. “No offense.”

“None taken,” he replied, but it was a short and stiff response. “You must learn to see past such trivial emotions. You can be stronger than that.”

“Is that how you see your emotions, then?” said Rey. He could tell she was baiting him. “You just push them down and tell yourself they don’t mean anything?”

“If it means I can get a better grip on the Force, yes,” said Kylo impatiently. “The Force is bigger than you or me, or any one person for that matter. It surrounds everything. It’s all-encompassing. It has no time for the drama and unnecessary feelings of its’ wielder.”

“You speak of it like it’s alive,” she says, eyeing him carefully. Kylo walked towards her and before she could protest, he reached down to her belt and took the lightsaber from her. She jumped back, trying to swat his hand away. “Hey!”

“You can have this back when you do something useful,” he commented. The lightsaber felt familiar in his hand. Luke’s. Vader’s. He squeezed it, feeling the energy around the saber bleed into him. He felt a pang of jealousy, knowing it had chosen the girl. He placed it on the ground carefully before turning back to Rey.

Rey crossed her arms, looking away from him. “I trained with Luke for months. You treat me like I’m a youngling with no experience,” Rey complained. Kylo enjoyed the pouty look on her face. Her lips were pursed and plump, and he found himself focusing on them as he spoke.

“You’re young,” Kylo said, the hint of a smirk on his face, “with very little experience.”

Rey looked back at him. Her eyes were fierce and Kylo could see no fear in them. He extended his hand and flexed his fingers. Almost immediately, Rey tensed up, unable to move her body or even speak. She gave Kylo a surprised look but he shook his head. “I won’t hurt you,” he promised. She didn’t look like she trusted his word, but there was nothing she could do. Kylo had her under his control. He could feel her body like it was his own. He flicked a finger, and her arm lifted, twitching as it did.

“It will take a long time before you’re able to achieve this kind of power,” said Kylo, nearing her, his arm still extended. “But you fought back when we were on Starkiller. I want you to do it again.”

He released some strength on her so she could use her mouth. Rey looked up at him, her eyes wide. “Don’t go in my mind,” she said instantly.

“It doesn’t work like that,” replied Kylo. He was inches from her now, and he could see every bead of rain rolling from her undone hair down her face. He could map out every freckle like it was a constellation. “You can’t let me in. Focus. Push me out.”

“Kylo, stop,” said Rey, sounding scared for the first time since he’d met her. He paused, his hand still in the air. They looked in each other’s eyes deeply, and he saw something unrecognizable in them. Instead of backing down, he lifted his hand up higher. Her mouth shut.

“What don’t you want me to see?” Kylo pressed, scowling. “You’re hiding something.”

Rey was helpless as Kylo probed her, searching into her mind. He saw an island. Water. A man in a robe, the hood pulled over his head. He could see Rey in a bed, tossing and turning, the red light of his lightsaber blinding her dreams and turning them into nightmares. He saw (with a swoop in his gut) his mother, her worn face, her teary eyes. He saw himself. The meadow. The dream.

Then, suddenly, as quick as a scorpion stings its’ prey, Kylo was shot back off of his feet. His back hit the wall of the cave and he fell to the ground. He felt his knees scrape beneath his trousers on the hard floor, but he ignored the pain. He looked up, where Rey was standing. She was breathing heavily, her face as angry as a storm.

“How dare you go into my mind like that,” Rey shouted. She picked up a rock from the ground and threw it at his direction. He was too taken aback to even block it, and it hit his shoulder. She was pacing, running her hands through her wet hair. “I told you not to, but you did anyway!”

“Look who’s talking,” cut in Kylo. “Step into any dreams, lately?”

“That’s different!” she yelled. “I didn’t try to do that! You intentionally ignored my wishes and went into my mind anyway!”

Kylo let out a breath, but he said nothing. She was right, of course. He’d crossed the line. The guilt he felt wasn’t abnormal given the situation, but Kylo never felt guilty. He never regretted his actions. But seeing the look on Rey’s face made him feel hollow in the pit of his stomach. Kylo got to his feet slowly, frowning. He felt truly sorry. Rey was picking up her bags and heading out of the cave. “I’m done with this,” she told him, brushing hair from her face. “I’m done with you.”

“No, wait,” said Kylo, and he stepped over to stop her. He reached a hand out, but she blocked it with her staff. She pointed it at him threateningly.

“Touch me again, with the Force or with your hands, and I’ll end you,” she said, glaring. 

Kylo held up his hands, acquiescing to her request. “You did what I asked, didn’t you?” he said, trying to find a way to turn this situation to his favor.

Rey’s brow furrowed. “What?”

“You defended yourself. You shut me out. I was in there, and you made me leave,” he whispered. “You’re stronger than you think you are. But you have no control. You’re all emotion, no logic. You’ll never survive as a Jedi if you don’t start thinking with your head.”

They stared at each other in silence for awhile. The sounds of the waterfall, combined with the rain, made Kylo feel like he was in some sort of strange, underwater world. His wet body felt like it was straight out of the shower, and he thought of the one back in his quarters. Rey’s eyes brightened suddenly, and she stepped back, almost stepping into the waterfall.

“I just saw that,” she said, looking at him in awe. “That shower. I saw it in my mind.”

Kylo reeled at that. “You read my mind?”

“I think so,” Rey said, and a smile erupted on her face. Kylo could hardly be bothered by how quickly her temperament changed. It was dangerous, letting Rey into his thoughts. He’d have to create a strong enough barrier to keep her out, but still make her think she just wasn’t strong enough to penetrate it. He couldn’t let her know his true intentions. Knowing her, he’d be dead in a second if she knew what he was truly up to.

As Kylo’s mind raced, trying to figure out what to do, Rey lowered her staff. She looked slightly abashed. “Look, Kylo,” she started, and Kylo felt a strange fluttering sensation inside himself at the sound of his name on her lips, “if you’re going to help me, we have to set up some ground rules. I know you’re this powerful dark lord or whatever-”

Kylo shot her a look. She rolled her eyes and corrected herself. “‘Former’ dark lord. But you need to respect me. We can start small, and work our way up to scary Force chokes and body holds. Please don’t disrespect my mind again. I’ll stay out of yours if you stay out of mine. Agreed?”

She stuck her hand out. Kylo stared at it. What did she want, a handshake? He looked in her eyes. She seemed like such a strong-willed person. Perhaps Kylo was jaded from being around so many evil types. Would she really stick to her word? It was an easy compromise if it meant she’d stay out of his mind. Kylo could resist the temptation to peek into her mind, however seductive the idea was. She was a closed book. He had no idea what went on behind those green eyes, but he knew better than to argue with her. Kylo put his hand in hers and wrapped his fingers around her. 

He was struck by how small her hand was.

It was dainty. Fragile, even. He could break the bones in her hand with one quick flex, and the thought of having that much power over he was enticing to him. He squeezed, just light enough to confirm his affirmation, and he felt her squeeze back. Her skin was so smooth. Kylo felt his thumb move automatically to swipe across her hand, and he watched as her lips parted at his movement. She didn’t pull her hand away, but Kylo felt embarrassed. He pulled his hand back, and it felt colder at the loss of contact. 

Kylo cleared his throat, looking away from her. “We could probably take an hour to rest in here,” he said. “Then, we’ll keep going. And then, we’ll get to work.

-

Thankfully, the rain began to lighten up as they continued their trek through the forest. It was still drizzling, and Rey still felt wet all over, but it was no longer hard to travel. They made their way on foot, but every so often, Kylo would point to something and ask Rey to try and lift it with her mind. Sometimes, it worked. He’d point to a log and she’d make it hover off of the ground. Other times, when she felt his gaze penetrating that back of her head, it was harder. The log would barely move, and Rey would be forced to accept defeat.

They stopped to collect water in a nearby brook. Rey sat on a group of rocks by the water and sipped, feeling the liquid slide down her throat. Kylo would splash up water using the Force, and ask Rey to try and stop it in midair with her powers. She closed her eyes but as much as she tried, the water wouldn’t stay stationary. She kicked a foot into the water in frustration. 

“I’ll never get this right,” Rey muttered, frowning.

Kylo would just roll his eyes at her and talk down to her for being so negative. Rey would get angry and accuse of him of being a poor teacher. In the end, she’d feel even more blocked than when she started and she refused to believe that she’d learn anything from Kylo Ren. After all, he was the reason her powers were blocked. If he’d only shut up and leave her alone, she’d be able to access the Force on her own. 

They continued to walk all day, until night began to fall. Kylo found a fallen tree near a small stream and set up a makeshift camp. Rey was exhausted. Kylo made her try to use the Force every five minutes during their walk. She felt physically and mentally drained. She didn't care that the ground was wet, at this point she’d pass out into a pile of manure if it was comfortable enough.

Rey tried to find a spot to sleep, but it was unnerving to hear the sounds of the many alien creatures in the forest. She leaned up against the tree, shifting around to find the perfect spot, but she’d hear a croak or a groan and she’d jump back up, alert. Kylo had given her the lightsaber back, and felt for it tucked safely in her belt. When she heard what sounded like a lion’s roar, she had enough. Rey knew she was getting much sleep tonight. There were too many threats around. Too many nerves pulsing through her body.

She glanced around to see if Kylo was asleep yet, but he was nowhere to be found. Rey stood, panicked. As much as she didn’t like to admit it, she preferred when Kylo was near. It was nerve-wracking to be in the forest alone, especially after what had happened the night before. “Kylo?” she whispered through the trees. She got no response.

Frustrated, Rey walked away from the fallen tree and tried to find him. It didn’t take long. He was sitting by the stream on his knees. Rey could tell he was meditating, but she didn’t care. “Look, there are a bunch of monsters out there ready to eat me at a minute’s notice, and seeing as I’m psychically blind right now, I’d appreciate it if you’d stick much closer,” she said all at once, not taking a breath. Kylo’s shoulders continued to rise and fall evenly. But, he stood, his back still towards her. 

“I have one more thing I’d like to try with you today,” said Kylo. “If you’re willing.”

Rey sighed. “I don’t know if I’m up to it right now,” she admitted. 

“It’ll help you sleep.”

Ah, he knew where to hit her. Rey looked nervously over her shoulder, scared there was something creeping around behind her. She relented. “Fine.”

Kylo turned slowly. His hair was finally dry, and it was much less wild than it had looked when she first saw him a few days prior. She walked towards him, standing in front of him shoulder to shoulder. She expected he wanted her to move the fallen tree, or somehow summon a creepy crawly to convince her it wasn’t ‘that bad’. She was surprised when he reached out his hands to her, palms up. She gaped at him.

“Put your hands in mine,” said Kylo. Rey hesitated, but did as he said. She slipped her hands in his, and swallowed as she looked at him for guidance. If this was another ploy to get inside her head, he was going to end up right in the stream. Rey had already messed up showing him where Luke was. She hoped he didn’t see enough of it to identify him. She wasn't so sure she trusted Kylo Ren just yet.

Kylo secured his grip around her hands. They felt calloused and rough, but Rey didn’t mind that. It reminded her of the sand back home. His hands were so much larger than hers; she felt like a child compared to him. As he took her hands, she felt her heart thump hard in her chest. What was he trying to do?

Kylo answered her thoughts. “I won’t invade your mind,” he told her, and she raised an eyebrow. “Rather, we’re going to create impressions on each other. I’ll choose what to send you, and you send whatever you want back. It’s almost like a conversation, composed entirely of our minds.” He paused, gripping her hands tighter. Rey felt her stomach drop. “This will teach you control.”

Rey nodded, but still felt unsure. What if she accidentally let something important through? Luke’s location. Her past. The way she felt when Kylo held her during the free fall. That still bothered her, and she didn't want Kylo to know it. There wasn’t much she could do, however, because Kylo started without prompting her.

Rey couldn’t see anything, as if he’d put a hand over her eyes. It cautioned her at first, but she began to feel more than she bargained for. Conflict. Pain. Being torn into two different directions. Light and dark. Rey heard a child laughing. A man calling the name “Ben!” loudly. A woman crying. 

Then, she heard Kylo’s voice in her mind. _It can be hard to control emotions,_ said Kylo. _Especially when you let someone in._

_I can’t let you in,_ Rey replied. She felt the annoyance in Kylo almost like it was her own emotion. 

_You’ll be powerless if you don’t. Come on. You don’t have to spill all of your secrets. As if I care about your petty life._

_Be careful, Kylo,_ thought Rey heatedly. _I was starting to think you might like me._

_You wouldn’t be so lucky,_ Kylo thought back. Rey tried to find something within her to share with Kylo, but she couldn't trust him. She still held onto all of the antagonism for him, and as she thought of it, she could feel it flowing on through to Kylo Ren. The pain she felt watching Han fall. She had one question, one burning question that lit up in her like a star.

_Why’d you do it?_

She knew Kylo was going to shut her out. He’d take his hands back, push her away and tell her to leave him alone. To her surprise, she felt his grip on her hands tighten. She felt him push into her mind and she felt so much pain, pain she’d never felt in her entire life. The only thing she could compare it to was watching her family fly away from her. If her mind could cry it would be sobbing, flailing on the ground and the misery he was flooding into her. The torment. She could hear an old man’s voice praising Kylo for his deed, but inside, she could hear him weeping.

The conflict returned. The feeling of being torn apart. Rey could physically feel it, her limbs being pulled from her body like they were made of rubber. They would bend, but they wouldn’t snap. She could hear Han’s voice. His fingers on her cheek.

_I don’t know,_ came the lonely, sad voice of Kylo Ren.

Rey opened her eyes. She was filled with so much emotion and sadness that she couldn’t stop the tears rolling down her face. Kylo’s eyes were still closed, and his hands were still wrapped in hers. She felt him in her mind. _Control your emotions,_ he thought. _Don’t give in._

“I can’t help it,” she whispered, shaking her head. “Kylo, please. It’s too much.”

_Close your eyes,_ he thought forcefully. _You need to feel this. You need to learn how to feel this amount of pain and move on. Move forward. That’s the only way you’ll keep the Force with you._

“You care more about your power than you do your own father,” she said, and she immediately regretted it. Kylo’s eyes snapped open. The connection was broken. Her face was shiny with tears, but she didn’t take her eyes from Kylo. Or her hands. They were shaking in his, but his hold was firm. She gripped them back, trying to make him see. She closed her eyes and thought of Han. She thought of the ship. The way he talked about Ben. The look in Leia’s eyes when Rey returned to Takodana without Han. When Leia realized what her son Ben had done.

“Stop,” growled Kylo. He pulled her closer. Rey could feel his breath on her forehead. 

She opened her eyes. He was staring down at her, his mouth open, and with the torment she’d seen earlier clear in his eyes. Rey found herself moving her hands to his wrist as she held them tight, imploring him. “You can be forgiven, Kylo,” she said, the tears still wet in her eyes. “All you have to do is ask.”

For a moment, Rey thought she had him. He leaned forward, and Rey’s mind went very nearly blank. She waited for him to agree, to cry, to shout, to do anything. What she didn’t expect, however, was for him to lean down and whisper in her ear, “You are _weak_.”

He let go of her completely. Rey felt cold. She remained staring in the direction his face was as he moved away from her, stalking back out into the forest. 

Rey fell to her knees on the forest floor. His emotions still swirled inside her. She’d never felt so overwhelmed. She couldn’t stop herself from crying at his words. At the emotions. 

She cried for him on the outside, because now she knew just how much he was really suffering on the inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Much. angst. Ugh.


	8. Cuts and Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wakes up in a compromising position. Kylo and Rey run into some trouble while trying to find Finn and Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, note the rating. Nothing too crazy, but we're rated M for a reason. Remember, this is slow burn. Good things come to those who wait.

When Rey returned to the fallen tree that they’d made their temporary home, she wasn’t surprised to see that Kylo was nowhere to be found. She tried to push him from her mind as much as she could, but the pain he’d imprinted in her was hard to rid from her body. She decided to meditate instead. Rey sat cross-legged beside the tree, focusing on all of the sounds around her. The insects. The wind. The soft drizzle, and the way stray drops of rain would fall from the tallest trees and onto the ground.

She took deep breaths, concentrating on her core like Luke had taught her. She still remained his student, no matter what Kylo was trying to teach her. Rey let her mind go as blank as possible. Within her mind, she felt at peace. She didn’t know when she stopped meditating, and when the sleep finally hit her, but the next thing she knew, she was passed out against the fallen tree.

When the sun rose the next morning, Rey woke on the forest floor. She was on her side, with her arms strewn out beside her. She felt warm for the first time in days and her sleepy eyes tried to shut, lulling her into even more sleep. She could feel something warm beside her, keeping her there, and she felt safe.

It took her a few minutes to realize that there was a body beside her.

Rey’s eyes shot open. She lifted her head carefully, nervous. She saw a white hand on her waist. She took a deep breath and looked over her shoulder.

Kylo.

He was fast asleep, and he didn’t seem to notice that he’d made his way by her side. She could see his cloak a few feet away, and the imprint of where his body had been. Somehow, he rolled his way over to her in his sleep. Or had she rolled to him? The last thing Rey remembered was meditating against the fallen tree. The tree was still above her, but she wasn’t as close to where she’d started. She realized, as her cheeks began to feel warm, that they were spooning.

Rey didn’t know what to do. Should she move? She might wake him. If he woke up to see them in this position, she knew he’d freak out. She jostled a leg slightly, to test the waters, but she heard Kylo groan in his sleep and (to her shock) press himself against her even more.

That’s when she felt it. Something stiff was poking into her from behind. She was confused at first. And then it dawned on her.

Rey rolled away from Kylo as quick as she could. She no longer cared about waking him. She got to her feet and stepped away from him, putting a hand over her mouth to capture her loud breaths. He was hard. She could see the tent in his trousers and she could feel her heart beating hard in her chest. 

Rey had never experienced this before. She remembered a girlfriend she’d made in her childhood on Jakku when she was fifteen. Her name was Mila. Rey met her while scavenging for parts in the same broken down ship. Mila was a little bit older, and she had a boyfriend. She liked to talk to Rey about how they would meet after dark to have sex. Rey was only half-interested; the whole idea of sex and boys put her off a bit, like it was out of her league. She remembered Mila telling her about how hard her boyfriend would get in the morning, and how excited she’d be to wake up and please him.

Mila ended up moving off-planet a year later. It was the closest that Rey had ever gotten having a sex life herself: listening to other people’s stories.

Rey knew that this had to be normal. It wasn’t because of her. She was sure that Kylo hadn’t intentionally snuggled up next to her during the night. He called her weak. She swallowed at that, the pit in her stomach growing. It hurt to hear. All of it did. Being around him. Trying to learn from him. Talking to him. It hurt her every day. The words he said were cruel. The feelings he gave her were confusing and alarming. She still couldn’t look past her hatred. It seemed to come down a notch every so often, but then, Kylo would always do something or say something to make her hate him again. It was never-ending. It was exhausting.

Rey hung by the fallen tree, waiting for him to wake up. She hoped they were closer to Finn and Poe now. She didn’t know if she could stand another day alone with Kylo and his moods. Her gaze kept falling on the front of his pants. As much as she hated to admit it, Rey was curious. She remembered the first time that she ever made herself orgasm. It was around the time that she met Mila. When she heard Mila raving about how good it felt, Rey gave it a try for herself. It took a few times to get it right, but when she was gripping the sheets and a primal little moan erupted from her mouth, she was hooked. Rey often imagined Mila’s boyfriend, shamefully, for he was the only boy that Rey ever heard about in a sexual manner.

She hadn’t done it in months. She was too afraid to try when Luke was around, knowing he could sense everything that she did. One night, when he was off the island, she gave in. She remembered thinking about Poe. There was something in his roguish grin that attracted her that first time she met him. She only thought of him once as she rubbed her fingers over her wetness, bringing her on the edge as she thought about Poe’s lips on her. She knew now that his attentions were after someone else, someone much less feminine than she was. And she never really liked Poe that way. It was attraction, nothing more. She could be around him, and not think about him that way.

For the first time in months, Rey felt the hollow need to touch herself. She cursed the feeling, ignoring it. But the more she looked at Kylo’s obviously hard crotch, the more she wanted to. Thoughts of Kylo now encircled her brain. He was always so covered up under his black cloaks and garments. She wondered how he looked without them on. She wondered what his voice would sound like, dripping in pleasure and need and want. 

Rey snapped out of it. This was Kylo Ren she was thinking about. Evil Kylo Ren, the one who killed his own father. The one who thought she was nothing but an insignificant, weak child. Rey walked from the tree, tearing her eyes from him. She couldn’t allow herself to think this way. She couldn’t stare at him while he slept. She blinked her eyes hard to rid herself of the image of him, but she couldn’t take it from her mind. 

She sat by the stream until she could collect her thoughts. She tried to focus on Finn, mainly to distract herself from the things she was trying not to think about. Almost an hour passed, but she could not feel him anywhere. Rey almost fell in the stream when she heard Kylo’s voice behind her. 

“Busy mind?” he asked. Rey shot up. She couldn’t see her cheeks, but she knew they had to be as pink as a flower petal.

“What do you mean?” she asked warily. She didn’t like him invading her mind. 

Kylo had donned his black cloak again. Rey didn’t dare let her eyes go south. “You seem like you have a lot on your mind,” he commented, raising an eyebrow. “I’ve been behind your for several minutes now. So, either you’re distracted, or you’re really just the worst Jedi ever.”

“Like you have to guess what’s in my mind,” scoffed Rey. “You go into it every chance you get.”

“I thought we agreed that I wouldn’t do that anymore,” said Kylo carefully, as if he were spelling out every word for her one by one. “Surely you still trust my word?”

“I’ve never trusted you,” said Rey plainly. She didn’t care about hurting his feelings. He was right. She had shown a moment of weakness the night before. She thought he could be forgiven, when he so clearly did not want to be. Rey had to look after herself. She wasn’t going to let the pity building in her for Kylo ruin her solid exterior.

Kylo ignored her insult. He pointed through the forest behind her. “You’ll be happy to know that I can sense your traitor friend not too far from here. We’ll reach him before night fall.”

“Perfect,” replied Rey. They gathered their things and began to walk. They didn’t have much to say to each other as they journeyed through the green forest. Rey was still bitter about his actions towards her last night. She hadn’t meant to delve that far into his emotions and mind. For gods sake, he made her do it! Rey never wanted to feel that pain again. It was more than just emotional. It was physical. When her hands were holding Kylo’s, and his pain was etched out in front of her like some crude painting, she could feel knives stabbing her limbs and poison drifting through her veins. She felt how he must feel, every day. She winced at the memory. As much as she wanted to get away from Kylo, she also had this urge to jump into him, to figure out why he acted they way that he did. What was really going on beneath the surface. Why he really left the First Order.

-

“Finn,” came Poe’s voice from BB-8. “Where are you? Have you found them yet?”

Finn looked over at the little droid beside him. They had been traveling for awhile now, and Finn was starting to get irritated. He hated the stupid trees that all looked the same. He didn’t like the mud, or the water. He wanted to be back in the ship. He felt like every step he took got him further from certainty and closer to a sense of doom. He couldn't believe he was doing this and for none other than Kylo freaking Ren. Finn tried to remind himself that it was Rey he was more concerned with, but the thought of the cloaked creep made him frustrated.

“I don’t know,” replied Finn irately. “Near trees. And no. If I did, I would’ve beeped you.”

Poe sighed impatiently on the other end. “Well, find them soon. This ship is going to take longer to repair than I thought.”

Finn groaned. “Why?”

“There are some things I don’t know how to work out,” admitted Poe. “I need Rey. She’s much better at fixing ships than I am.”

Finn didn’t doubt that. He’d seen Rey at work. She was like a busy bee, zipping in and out of the ship and fixing it like it came second nature to her. He had to admire her for it. “BB-8 says we’re not too far from them. Hopefully, we can be back to you by tomorrow, or the next day, at the very latest.”

“Well be quick,” said Poe, and the way he spoke made Finn imagine him smirking. “I might miss you already.”

Finn’s stomach rolled a little at that. He tried to play it off. “I bet you miss Kylo more,” he said, joking around. He didn’t want to admit that even after a short amount of time, he missed Poe, too.

Poe laughed at his words. “I’m sure he’s more than fine with little miss Jedi.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Finn. 

Poe snickered. “Isn’t obvious? Dude totally has a thing for her. Why else would he agree to accompany us?”

Finn visibly shook his head at that, even though he knew Poe couldn’t see him. “No way, Poe. They hate each other. I know that to be true more than I know myself.”

“Believe what you want,” remarked Poe. “You _are_ a little blind when it comes to how people really feel. Unlike me. I know all.”

 _Wouldn't you like to believe that,_ thought Finn. If only Poe knew how Finn really felt.

-

“You must be nervous,” said Rey, breaking the silence after a few hours of walking. “The whole galaxy is after you now.”

Kylo didn’t respond right away. Rey continued. “I wonder who’s more eager to get a hold of you, the First Order or the Resistance.”

“I expect the Resistance will have its’ victory soon,” replied Kylo, but his tone sounded bitter, like he’d taken some bad medicine. “My mother will make sure of it.”

“It will be good to see her again,” Rey offered. Kylo stopped walking. When he turned to her, there was an ugly, unappreciative look on his face.

“I know what you’re trying to do, and I want you to stop,” Kylo demanded, scowling at her. Rey hoisted her bag over her shoulder, stopping in her tracks too. Oh, here they go. Fighting again.

“Relax, Kylo. I’m trying to make conversation,” said Rey, sighing. “You may be content with just your thoughts but I’m ready to go out of my mind.”

“You’re trying to open me up,” he hissed. “Dissect me. Learn me. There’s nothing for you to find here, do you understand?”

“Would it kill you to let someone in?” asked Rey indignantly. “It must be lonely up there at the top of your little world.”

“I’m perfectly content, thanks,” he replied dully. 

Kylo turned back around, but Rey kept insisting. “You know, it might help you to talk things out. I felt what you felt, Kylo, and I think-”

An arrow shot through the trees. The Force gave Rey only seconds to dodge it, yelping as it glided across her cheek, missing her but giving her a nice slice. Blood dripped from her face down to her lips. She tasted copper.

Kylo caught the arrow with the Force. He didn’t appear to move a muscle, but the arrow halted in front of him, like it had met a glass wall. He glanced at Rey, who was cupping her cheek before his dark eyes scanned across the forest. “Who dares-?” he began, but he was cut off with three more arrows coming from different directions.

Rey found herself on the ground. Kylo’s body hovered on top of her. He made sure not to touch her, but Rey could feel his breath on her neck. Her body shivered. Kylo shouted in her ear, “Stay down!” before he rose. Rey watched arrow after arrow fly at Kylo, and he stopped each one with his mind. He even caught one in his hand and, using the Force, sent it flying back in the direction it came in. Rey watched, her breaths light and short.

The forest was silent. Kylo whipped around, pulling his lightsaber out of his belt. The red light lit up the trees and the buzzing sound grew louder in Rey’s ears the longer Kylo had his saber on. “Come out, cowards,” called Kylo, his eyes furious. The pain in Rey’s cheek was subsiding, but she could still feel the blood sliding down her face. 

Through the trees, a group of five men appeared. They all wore armor that matched the terrain around them; muddy greens and grays. They fit right into the trees. When Kylo saw them, he lifted up his hand. The two men in the front began to choke as Kylo lifted them up in the air with the Force. “Who the _hell_ are you and what makes you think you can get away with attacking us?” said Kylo darkly, squeezing his fingers together. The two men were sputtering.

“You’re Kylo Ren,” said one of the men who was not being choked. “We recognized your clothes. And your saber, of course.”

He then looked over at Rey. “Don’t know who the girl is. But we expect if she’s with you, she ain’t someone we want to keep around, either.”

Kylo looked furious. Rey was almost surprised that he didn’t chuck his lightsaber at them out of rage. She tried to get to her feet, but she felt something push her back to the ground. The Force. But she wasn’t doing it.

Kylo repeated himself. “Who are you?” he asked rudely, and one of the men he was choking fainted on the ground. Another man spoke out, stepping forward.

“We were part of the Resistance. We had a base on Coruscant. You landed there with a bunch of your thickhead stormtroopers about a year back. We lost our families to you,” spat the man. Rey watched as the others lifted their bows up. “Your stormtroopers killed our communities. Just because we couldn’t direct you to the map of Luke Skywalker.”

Rey shot Kylo a scathing look. She sometimes forgot how dark his past was. Her stomach churned at the thought of women and children dying just because Kylo didn’t get what he wanted. Kylo seemed unfazed by the man’s explanation. “So?” he said arrogantly. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Rey tried to get up, but the Force was still holding her in place. 

“We’ve been tracking you ever since you left the First Order,” choked out the man who was still in the air. “You’re a dead man, Ren.”

“Am I?” toyed Kylo, smirking. “And what, do you plan to take me all on your own? You can see that I easily overpower you.”

One of the men nodded, glancing at Rey. She got a very bad feeling. “But you can’t overpower us and protect your pretty girlfriend at the same time.” Rey glanced between Kylo and the man, trying with all of her might to stand up. She didn’t know what was going on, but suddenly Kylo’s expression changed to one of pure horror and he leaped towards her. 

“No!” he shouted, but it was too late. An arrow pierced Rey’s leg and she screamed, the sounds of her pain filling the forest. Tears sprang to her eyes from the pain and she clutched her leg. It was bleeding, and it stung like a thousand needles sliding into her skin. She groaned in pain, gripping her leg and feeling the blood ooze down. Her head hit the forest floor. She could see Kylo standing above her, shouting something hoarse at her, but she couldn’t hear him through the pain. She moaned, paralyzed by the stinging in her leg.

The red light got brighter around her, and could see Kylo’s lightsaber swinging around wildly, but no sooner had he begun to fight them did he end up on the ground, just like her. There were more of them. At least ten, coming up from the trees and closing in on Kylo. Rey panted, trying to budge against the Force that kept her so tight to the ground. She could only assume that it was Kylo’s work, that Kylo was using his abilities to shield her. To protect her. 

Rey could see, with a flop of her stomach, that this was at a cost for his own protection. The men were punching every inch of him. His face, his ribs, his legs. Rey screamed again, hoping, praying, that someone would hear them. She watched in horror as Kylo’s saber was taken from him and flung to the side. He fought back, shoving a few of them away with the Force, but his powers were weak. Rey could feel the full extent of them pushing her down to the ground. She cried, trying to break free of the hold to help him. Why would he use up his powers to protect her like this? As soon as she thought it, she could feel his hold slipping. Relieved at first, Rey realized that Kylo’s eyes were dangerously dim. They stared in her direction as the men beat him mercilessly. She watched his eyes close. 

Then, the familiar sound of a gun went off in Rey’s ears. She sat up, looking eagerly in the direction of the sound. A beam of light pierced one of the men, and he fell to the ground. The others started to scatter and pull out their weapons. The Force hold on Rey was finally weak enough for her to break. She extended her hand and with all of her willpower and might, she Force pushed three of them hard into a tree. She heard a sharp snapping sound, and felt her stomach turn over at the sound of a neck breaking.

The gun kept going off until all of the men had either fled or were on the ground. Rey looked over wildly, and to her delight, she saw Finn standing there, gun in hand. “Finn!” called Rey. “Over here!”

“Rey?” exclaimed Finn, running over to her. The happiness in Rey couldn’t survive long, for the pain in her leg was starting to become too much to bear. When Finn approached her, he looked in shock at her leg. “Rey…no…”

“It’s fine,” she muttered, lying. “Just pull it out. I have the Force, it’ll help me heal, but I need you to pull it out because I don’t think I can do it.”

“You don’t think you can do it?” asked Finn incredulously. “What about me?”

“Finn just do it!” cried Rey. The former stormtrooper groaned but he leaned down and put his hand on the end of the arrow. Rey tensed up, ready for the pain. Finn hesitated, but when Rey looked ready to bite his head off, Finn sucked it up and began to pull. Rey reached out and dug her hands into Finn’s shoulders, gasping as the arrow left her leg. More blood continued to pour out, but as soon as the arrow was on the ground, Rey could focus on healing it. The wound began to close, but it still ached. She quickly gave Finn a hug before scrambling on her knees over to Kylo. His eyes were half-open, and Rey’s heart got stuck in her throat at the sight of him.

He was covered in blood. His black robes hid the red stains, but his skin didn’t. His face was puffy and covered in bruises. A slit under his eye was bleeding. Rey put her hands on his stomach, lightly, and he groaned. He looked utterly defeated. Rey felt her throat dry up, but she closed her eyes, trying to use some of her healing on him.

“Can you fix him?” asked Finn from behind her. Rey let out a stammering breath.

“I don’t know,” she whispered, rocking back and forth. Her leg was still aching, but she ignored it. This was more important. Rey tore at his clothes, trying to find the worst spots. She ripped his shirt and revealed the milky skin beneath. Only hours before, she’d wondered what his body looked like. She never dreamed she would see it. Especially under these circumstances. 

The hair on his chest was sticky with blood, and she could see a deep purple bruise forming on his left ribs. She put her hand over it, feeling the heat. Kylo was staring at her, his eyes weak but intense. She focused all of her attention on healing him, and it was working; but only just. Kylo set his head back, and she knew he had to be gripping onto every little sense of relief she was giving him.

“Why’d you do it?” she asked impatiently, the same words asking a different question than they had the night before. “Why did you Force me down? I could’ve helped you. You know that.”

Kylo didn’t answer. His lips parted, like he wanted to speak, but his eyes started to dim again. Rey’s hands left his sides and found his face. She held his face up, trying to help him stay conscious. She was careful to not touch his wounds, but his eyes couldn’t focus on her. Rey bit her lip. “Kylo, stay with me,” she murmured, letting his head fall gently back on the ground. “I’ll help you. I promise.”

Rey kept her hands on him for a long time. She could feel her grip on the Force as strongly as ever, and she could feel every bruise and cut on his body. She worked, trying to combine their powers to heal him. It worked for the most part, but he was still in bad shape. She moved so that his head was resting on her knees, and her palms were splayed out onto his bare chest. 

Finn didn’t speak as she healed him. She almost forgot that he was there until she heard him move around in the grass. She opened her eyes. Rey was happy to see that most of the wounds on Kylo had healed. His face looked much better, though he still had a black eye. She traced a finger through his hair carefully, trying to get his attention. “Kylo? How do you feel?”

Kylo’s eyes fluttered a bit until they were completely open. “Moveable,” he muttered, looking up at her. “But I’m not sure I can walk.”

“That’s okay,” said Rey hurriedly. “Finn and I can help you.”

Finn looked very reluctant to assist Rey, but when she shot him a look, he agreed. They hoisted Kylo to his feet and he gasped slightly at the pain as he stood. Rey ducked her head under his arm and pulled his hand over her shoulder, holding him up. He leaned on her, as Finn took his other side. 

They walked for as long as they could, but eventually, the sun came down and Kylo couldn't move any further. They set up camp in a hollowed out tree. Finn and Rey set Kylo down on top of his cloak, trying to create a sort of cot for him to lay on to rest. As soon as he was on the floor, his eyes closed. Rey watched him until Finn stood up. “I’m going to find some food,” he told her. “If something happens, just shout for me.”

With him gone, Rey took full advantage to watch Kylo. He looked like he was sleeping, but Rey could sense that he was still on the brink. Her connection to the Force didn’t seem fully restored, but it was more powerful than it had been in months. She didn’t question it. She had other things to focus on. Like why Kylo had kept her pushed down. He didn’t answer her when she first asked. She tried running through every possible scenario in her head, but it didn’t make sense. If Rey had been able to move, she could’ve pulled out her lightsaber and combined, they could’ve taken those men. Rey bristled slightly. Did he not think she was capable? Maybe he thought she was weak. He’d said so, anyway.

Kylo’s eyes didn’t open, but he suddenly spoke, and it may Rey jump. “Before I say this and before you berate me,” he said, and Rey paid close attention, “I'm not invading your mind. When you healed me today, you created a bit of a Force bond. I can’t hear all of your thoughts, but I’m getting impressions.” He paused, and his head tilted towards her. He opened his eyes, and Rey felt her heart stir under his gaze.

“I kept you on the ground because I didn’t want you to get hurt,” Kylo murmured softly. 

The admission was so raw, and so gentle, that Rey was sure her heart had never beaten more loudly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the angst continues! I know, I'm evil. But who doesn't love some good UST combined with angst? 
> 
> If anyone lives on the east coast of the US (like me), stay safe this weekend! I hope it doesn't snow that bad but if it does, all the more time to write :)
> 
> As always, thanks for reading!


	9. Back To The Falcon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Finn take Kylo back to the Falcon. Rey fixes the ship, and they set a course for Takodana.

It took less than a day to return to the Falcon. BB-8 led them back to Poe while Finn and Rey took turns assisting Kylo. He was much better than he was the night before, but he was still wounded. When Rey took her shift, she hoisted his arm around her neck and wrapped an arm securely around his waist. She could feel the muscles in his sides twitch as she helped him over rocks and tree stumps. Kylo barely spoke during the trek. She knew he was embarrassed that they were helping him. She could hear the shame in his thoughts as clear as day, and she could feel the little twinges of pain that he felt every time he moved.

Kylo mentioned the Force bond to Rey, and at first, she didn’t understand what he meant. She was too distracted by his admission: he didn’t want her to get hurt. Rey couldn’t believe it at first. He had to have some sort of ulterior motive. But when she looked in his eyes, it was like the truth was staring her right in the face. She could feel the weight behind his words. She wanted to prod him more about the bond, but he fell asleep shortly after speaking. Rey wasn’t too sure he even remembered what he said to her.

That night, she dreamt of him. Not in a meadow, or a prison cell, or a snowy forest. He was just there, in her mind. They didn’t say anything. They just looked at each other. It was like they were meditating in the same bubble and their point of focus was in each other’s eyes. When Rey woke up, she wondered if Kylo had the same odd dream. If he did, he didn’t reveal anything. 

But since the dream, Rey could feel things with Kylo that she hadn’t felt before. It was something different than the mind impressions they had made the other night. This wasn’t a momentary connection. It was like a bridge had been formed between them. If Rey wanted to know what Kylo was thinking or feeling, all she had to do was cross the bridge.

It was something she tried very hard not to do as she helped Kylo walk. It was difficult. She could smell the desert rain scent on his skin and it was making it hard for her not to peek in and see what was going on inside him. Rey knew it would be wrong, especially after her little tirade of him not poking into her mind. She knew he’d figure it out right away if she even glanced into his mind. Rey pushed the idea from her thoughts and focused on moving Kylo back to the ship.

They reached the Falcon after noon. As soon as they arrived, Poe came running out. “Rey!” he called. He quickly helped take Kylo from Rey, who was starting to buckle under the man’s weight. Kylo gave Poe a bit of a dirty look but let himself be walked into the Falcon. The pilot set him down on the cot. Rey took a seat beside him, watching him closely.

“How do you feel?” she asked. Kylo leaned his head back, letting it sink into the pillow.

“I feel like I don’t need to be coddled this much,” Kylo complained, looking at her. “I’m okay.”

“You know I don’t believe that,” Rey chastised. Without hesitating, she lifted up his shirt. Kylo made an instinctive move to stop her, but he let his hands fall back down on the cot. His eyes didn't leave her face as she looked at his bruised ribs. “It looks better, but you still need time.”

“I can give you time,” mentioned Poe. He was holding out a toolbox to Rey. “Ships out of order. I’ve been waiting for you to fix her up so we can get on our way. I heard from General Organa yesterday,” he said, casting a side glance at Kylo. “She’s worried.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Send her a message and let her know we’ll be back on Takodana shortly,” said Rey. She stood up from the bed. She looked over her shoulder once more towards Kylo. “Don’t you dare get up while I’m gone. You need rest.”

“And miss out on watching you work on the ship?” prompted Kylo, smiling slightly. “I’d much rather watch you mess up than sit around idly.”

Rey shot him a half-annoyed, half-amused look. “I don’t mess up. I bet I could fix a dozen ships before you could even fly one off of the ground.”

“I don’t doubt it,” said Kylo, toying with her. Rey gave a small laugh and left his side. She took the toolbox from Poe and walked off to fix the ship. 

-

Poe gave Kylo a funny look. “You’re not like I thought you’d be.”

Kylo sat up a little at that, looking at the pilot. “Oh? And what did you think I was?”

“An asshole,” said Poe instantly. “Evil. Cruel. Rebel without a cause. The whole bit.”

Kylo rolled his eyes. He was used to these petty insults by now. “So what changed your mind?”

Poe barked out a laugh as he began to walk away. “Nothing changed _my_ mind, buddy. I figured _yours_ was changed by a pair of long legs from Jakku.” Poe was still chuckling as he walked back to the cockpit. Kylo watched him go. Nervousness crippled into himself a bit. What did the pilot know? Kylo was taking every precaution to protect his mind. He wasn’t even letting Rey in, despite her newfound bond with him. Kylo could shut his eyes right now and find himself in Rey’s mind if he wanted to, and sometimes, he _really_ fucking wanted to. But he couldn’t. Every time he thought of Rey in a way other than as a scavenger, he immediately thought of Snoke. The mission. The First Order. Kylo swallowed. He couldn’t let Rey anywhere near his thoughts unless they were protected.

He stayed on the cot for as long as he could before he got bored. Kylo swung his legs over the side of the cot. He passed Finn, who was reading something intently, and Poe, who was fiddling around with BB-8. The two men seemed to be glancing at each other in turns, but Kylo couldn’t possibly care enough to see why. He followed the sounds of tinkering down the ship. He felt Finn’s eyes on the back of his head as he walked down the hallways of the Falcon.

Kylo had not been on the Falcon in years before joining Rey. Not since he was a boy. He always considered the Falcon his father’s first son and held a certain sort of bitterness for it. It was like his father in metal form. As long as it existed, a part of Han Solo existed. _Kind of like me,_ he thought, gritting his teeth. He tried his hardest not to think of his father. He killed Ben Solo years ago. All that was left was Kylo Ren. Sure, he felt the pull of the Light sometimes; more than ever recently. But Kylo knew he had a plan. He had to stick with it. He could feel the Dark, just as persuasive and even more seductive than the Light, pulling him back to reality. He was Kylo Ren. There was no good in him.

Until he thought of Rey. Kylo cursed himself for what he said to her the night before. Since when had he ever been the type to say how he truly felt? He expressed himself in other ways. Mainly, a lightsaber through something. Why did he have to be as stupid as to tell her the truth? Kylo hoped with all of his soul that she misunderstood him or didn’t take him seriously. He’d never been more honest in his life. As soon as the men approached them in the forest, he feared not for himself, but for her. The scavenger. The Jakku desert rat. He Forced her down, and when the men beat him instead of her, it felt almost relieving, like he had nothing to truly worry about.

But when they shot her with the arrow…Kylo could feel the pain with her. He burned with the desire to slaughter them. If Finn hadn’t beaten him to it, Kylo would’ve made them suffer. He would’ve tortured them from the insides first, making them relive their worst memories and fears. Then, he’d do the justice of slicing them open with his saber and making them feel the pain they’d inflicted on him. On her. 

Kylo couldn’t let himself feel this way for her. Self-sacrifice was a path to the Light. One of the few direct paths, in fact. He’d been weak, letting himself suffer for her. But no matter how much he wished the pull of the Light would leave him, he had to admit that he didn’t regret his decision. He would take a hundred more beatings if it meant she got away cleanly.

Rey was working on something in the walls of the ship. When she saw him walking towards her, she groaned. “I ask you to do one thing and you can’t even do that,” she said, but she didn’t seem too reproachful. Kylo watched her work.

“How are you doing?” he asked, eyeing her leg. She sent him a curious look before seeing where his gaze was.

“I’m absolutely fine,” Rey swore. “I healed much faster than you did.”

“You must have a natural inclination for it,” said Kylo, musing. “You did me much faster than I thought possible.”

Was he crazy, or did he see her blush at his choice of words?

Rey quickly looked down and away from him. “Well, I’m glad you’re okay,” she admitted. Kylo raised and eyebrow at that and crossed his arms.

“Oh really?” he asked, smirking. 

Rey laughed at his expression. Kylo liked the sound of it, and what was worse, he liked that he’d been the one to make her laugh. “You enjoy toying with me, don’t you?”

“It’s more fun than lying on a cot,” Kylo replied. 

Rey rolled her eyes, but gestured to the toolbox on the ground. “Hand me a screwdriver?” she asked, extending her hand. Kylo followed her direction and picked one out of the box. He gave it to her, feeling her soft skin underneath his rough hand. When their hands made contact, Kylo swore he felt an electrical spark. Rey looked into his eyes. Did she feel it too? Before Kylo could question it, she was taking the screwdriver from him and inserting it into the wall. 

“I think I’m just about done,” she said triumphantly. “Just one more small part here…”

“And we’re going to Takodana?” asked Kylo. 

“Yes,” she replied. Kylo nodded. The anxiety he’d been pushing down for days was rising to the surface. His mother. Kylo’s least favorite part of the plan. He couldn’t imagine what the look on Leia’s face would be when she saw him. He hadn’t seen her in years. Kylo wasn’t sure if he even ready for it. He watched Rey finish working on the ship, and followed her back into the main part of the Falcon. He almost wished that the ship would malfunction again. That way, they wouldn’t have to fly back to the one person in the galaxy that Kylo was sure could flip him back to the Light.

“We’re all set, Poe,” said Rey, heading to the cockpit. She looked back at Kylo and pointed to the cot. “Rest, will you?” 

Kylo sighed but made his way back to the bed. His ribs were starting to ache from standing anyway, but he didn’t want her to know that. Finn watched him walk back and seemed to be holding back a snicker. “Kylo Ren, taking orders from someone. Never thought I’d see the day.”

“It must be new for you, to see what being loyal actually looks like,” shot Kylo, sliding back on the cot. He felt mortified, so wounded and weak next to the likes of Finn and Poe. He groaned as he lifted his legs up onto the cot. Finn almost got up, as if to help him, but the look Kylo gave him made Finn sit right back down and put his hands up in defense. 

Rey hollered back to them, “Hold on boys! We’re going up.”

The ship hovered off the ground. Kylo frowned; he’d hoped it wouldn’t go just yet. He felt the ship lift off and fly into the sky. The cloudy Taris sky disappeared into the black vacuum of space. Kylo watched the clouds turn to stars from the window. He leaned his head back and bit the inside of his cheek, more than unprepared for what lay in store for him.

-

As soon as Poe had a hold on things, Rey walked back to the cot. She sat hesitantly on the edge of it. She could feel Kylo’s thigh against hers. He felt warm, just like he had the morning she’d woken up with him in the forest. “We’ll be there soon,” Rey told him.

Kylo didn't answer. He didn’t look at her. His gaze was to the wall, but his mind seemed to be full of thoughts. Rey glanced back at Finn, who was within earshot. She decided to try something. Rey closed her eyes and put a hand carefully on Kylo’s leg. She felt him stiffen at the contact, but she immediately sent an impression to him, her words in his mind.

_Are you okay?_ she asked. 

_No,_ he responded, surprisingly quickly. _I don’t think I’m ready for this._

_She’ll forgive you, Kylo,_ Rey replied assuredly. _She told me so herself. She just wants you home._

_I don’t have a home. I gave that up. I gave me up. I’m not who she thinks I am. I’ll only disappoint her._

_Hey,_ Rey interjected, and she shook her head at him. She couldn’t see him, but she felt his body loosen up a bit. _Don’t think like that. Everyone knows that the Darkness runs in your blood. It’s not your fault, Kylo. You’re choosing to be a better person now, and that choice means more than your past does._

_I killed my father,_ thought Kylo, and Rey’s stomach dropped at his words. She could see in his mind a perception of the scene she’d never witnessed before. She saw it through his eyes: the lightsaber in his hand, the way it pierced Han’s body. The way he continued to look at Kylo, like he was still Ben, somewhere deep down. Rey could feel his fingers glide across Kylo’s cheek as if it were her own.

_Are you sorry?_

Kylo didn’t answer right away. Instead, he showed her another memory. It was after the fissure separated them on Starkiller. She watched herself run away from Kylo and back towards Finn in the snow. This time, she saw Kylo stand up and let out a scream of pain, not from the scar on his face, but from the emotions tormenting him inside. She watched him pick up his saber and cut down every tree in his path. Watched him slice at the snow, and accidentally singe above his knee. He showed her him removing his pants (Rey gulped at that) and she could see that there was a scar there too, as permanent as the one she put on his face. 

Rey opened her eyes. There was a tear in Kylo’s trousers from the fight. It was close enough to his knee, so Rey lifted it gently to find the scar. Kylo’s eyes were still closed, but he helped guide her there with his hand. She almost shook as he placed his hand over hers and glided it down his knee. She saw it. It wasn’t too large, but it there. She placed a finger on it, and almost instantly, she was blinded with every raw emotion that Kylo felt. The agony pulsed through her, as if they were sharing it. Her own unhappiness towards Han’s death leaked in. She could feel her emotions building and her tolerance waning.

_Hold it,_ came Kylo’s voice. _Don’t back down this time. Let it flow. Let it be known._

Rey tried her best. She gripped his hand tightly as she fought through the pain. Her eyes were squeezed shut and her breathing became labored.

“What the hell are you guys doing?” cut in Finn from behind them, and Rey could hear him standing up. She was almost through it, but his distraction was like being woken from a dream. She watched it slip away from her; everything. The bond, the memories, the Force. Sucked up like water in the desert.

Rey opened her eyes, thoroughly disappointed. She thought she had finally gotten through to Kylo. Finally found a way inside, a way to not hate him. To relate to him. His hand was still wrapped around hers on her lap.

Kylo didn’t look too pleased either. He was shooting daggers at Finn and he said, “You just interrupted something monumentally important, you moron. I’m trying to teach her to use the Force. She can’t focus with you trying to play the white knight.”

“I don’t know how I feel about you teaching her the ways of the Force,” snapped Finn. “He’s a bad guy, Rey. I don’t care if he’s ‘seen the Light’, he’s been for a long time and you don’t need that kind of influence. You sounded like you were scared,” said Finn, putting a concerned hand on her.

Kylo suddenly pulled at her, effectively knocking Finn’s hand off. “She can make her own decisions, FN-2187,” said Kylo. Finn glared at him; Kylo used his stormtrooper name just to piss him off. Finn’s hand watch twitching towards his gun.

“Oh would you two knock it off?” exclaimed Rey. She sat up, breaking her hand from Kylo’s. “You have to stop acting like you’re enemies. We’re on the same side now.”

“So he says,” spat Finn. Kylo let out a mirthless laugh.

“Who here has betrayed someone before?” he asked, laughing at Finn crudely. “I think my track record is cleaner than yours.”

“Rey’s right, guys,” came Poe’s voice from the front of the ship. “Stop fighting or I’ll eject you both.”

Rey had enough. She threw her hands up in the air. “I’m done with this,” she said, moving over to the table. “You,” she ordered, pointing at Finn, “go sit up there with Poe and leave Kylo alone. And you,” she said, rounding on Kylo, “will you _please_ just get some damn rest?”

Both men gave sideways looks at each other, but Finn got the point and left them alone. He went up to the cockpit and Rey sighed in relief. She looked back at Kylo. “Please just go to sleep,” she pleaded. “You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

“That’s if I don’t get killed in my sleep,” muttered Kylo, his eyes on Finn’s back. 

Rey didn’t want the other men to hear her next words, so she did her best to imprint them on Kylo from her distance and the table. _Stop worrying,_ she thought, trying to giving him what she thought was a comforting look. _She’s your mother. She loves you._

_I wouldn’t be so sure,_ Kylo thought back darkly. But he rolled over and let his eyes closed. Rey watched his black hair trickle over his eyes as he tried to get to sleep. She had the strangest urge to brush them from his face, and before she knew what she was doing, she was beside the cot. Her hand touched Kylo’s face briefly as she ran her fingers across his hair. He didn't open his eyes, but she knew he wasn’t asleep.

His words from the previous night came back to her. _I didn’t want you to get hurt._

_Did you really mean that?_ she thought, probing his mind one last time.

Rey wasn’t sure if his lack of an answer was a confirmation, but her gut was telling her that it wasn't much of a denial, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I start my final semester of college on Monday. What does that mean? It means that starting now, updates will become slower. Not too slow though! I don't want to create any sort of schedule yet, until I know what my workload will be. But I'm committed to this story and I'm hoping to pump out 1-2 chapters a week once Monday comes.
> 
> As always, your continued support does wonders for me. Every hit/kudo/comment makes my day and helps me continue writing. Thank you all so much for reading! I hope you're enjoying the journey so far. The story is going to progress drastically in the next few chapters so tighten up your seat belts for all the drama on the way ;)


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